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February 2, 2010 at 10:17 am
interesting and thoughtful post, scott. i really enjoy what you wrote there, and first of all i'd like to say that you and garance make such a lovely couple. i'm such a fan of both of you.
as for me, that amazes me a lot when a guy cares so much about the girl's stories and even problems, that kind of guy gives me the impression that he is matured and smart. :)
February 2, 2010 at 10:18 am
This is such a beautiful post!I try to notice every little thing the man I love is doing for me, he does the same, and it helps us to be happier!
A Daily Pinch
February 2, 2010 at 10:21 am
My husband and I have just discussed this in the last two weeks. He came home from a business trip and instead of saying "I am so glad to be home", "It's so good to see you", anything. He started complaining about work. As soon as he was in the car from baggage.
To make a long story short, we had a discussion about "the little things" and since then, he has made much more of an effort to be like the charming boy who won my heart a decade ago.
It really is the little things that count…
February 2, 2010 at 10:22 am
He ensures that each time we cross a street and are walking on the sidewalk that he is on the traffic "street" side. So gallant
i absolutely love you and garance together. and thank you for such a fabulous post!
February 2, 2010 at 10:24 am
and if i may add, Sart, is is WE men, not US men.
WE might learn something, not US might learn something.
now i guess i could have said that more gracefully!
February 2, 2010 at 10:26 am
When my brother was 14, he was kind of a punk in a way that only 14-year-olds can be. On Valentine's Day, he surprised me by getting a rose from our garden, clipping off the thorns, and presenting it to me at breakfast.
What I loved most about it wasn't the flower, it was the gesture. Of him trying to figure out how to be a man that could be thoughtful as well as tough.
February 2, 2010 at 10:27 am
The way he puts his hand at the small of my back
February 2, 2010 at 10:28 am
Well done piece. I have yet to read anything be it a mens/women magazine, newspaper style sections, etc.. about manners and grace. I think I actually learned that from my parents at a very young age, and living abroad from youth to adulthood (amazing what you can observe from other cultures).
Problem is though, I think a lot of people lack it so much, it's not even thought of. Sad really.
Thanks for the reminder. Maybe all the Sart family on here will stop and think about it. It might actually make your day a tad brighter.
February 2, 2010 at 10:30 am
Your Editor's Note was as graceful as I've ever read. Bravo from a happily married woman!
February 2, 2010 at 10:32 am
This is a great post Scott. But sometimes those little things aren't as glamorous as holding a door or moving a candle but they make your life so much better. Here are a few things my lovely husband of more than 25 years does for me:-Puts out my vitamins every morning before we leave for work-Routine car maintenance-Shops for food-Cleans the bathroom without being asked-Goes to the doctor with me when I am scared-Loves the dog as much as I do-Is an amazing father and good friend to our adult sons
And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Beautiful post Scott. Thank you and Happy Valentine's Day!
My graceful man, a couple of freezing days ago, prepared a beautiful fire, for me when I'll get back home, after a day of boring work.I opened a bottle of red wine and we shared it by the fire.It was kind of happiness and very peaceful.
My beau (of a few months) had plans to leave town for a couple of weeks during the holidays, so we planned to have our little holiday celebration a few days prior to his flight. I have a fireplace and he agreed to pick up an easy-light fire log on his way to my home that night.
When he arrived, I opened the door and went back to cooking. It took a few moments for me to realize that while I was finishing dinner, he was carrying in a box of half a dozen easy-light logs and two enormous bundles of firewood and proceeding to unpackage them and put them away in the bin next to my fireplace.
All he said to me about it was simply, "You might get cold while I'm gone."
He didn't make a big production of it. It was a simple, graceful act that told me so much.
February 2, 2010 at 10:34 am
my utterly lovely boyfriend has been the epitome of grace and kindness to me for the last 2 1/2 years – not just i notice it, but all my friends and family as well. he's just gentle and kind in a very quiet way, like always carrying all my grocery bags for me, or even my purse, without even a word or complaint. or waking up with me (even if he doesn't have to for his schedule) to make me breakfast or tea. you are absolutely right – it is his subtle kindness to me that make me fall in love with him so ardently.
so thanks for posting this – here's to grace, kindness, and love!
(and thank you for mentioning 30 rock – haha! :)
So sweet, and so true. Thank you!
February 2, 2010 at 10:36 am
Hi – Love your blog.
One idea you might want to look into is the really long history of manners / grace / gracefulness — I'm thinking back to Castiglione's conception of "sprezzatura" in his book The Book of the Courtier (1528).
An English translation published shortly after the Italian original translated the Italian sprezzatura as "nonchalance," which is a pretty sweet idea.
November 22, 2012 at 4:22 pm
I just discovered this website and gave been devouring the archives in the past weeks, which is why I am replying to you 2 1/2 years later LOL.
I can’t believe you mentioned The Courtier! I own a copy and find it to be such a poetic description of social graces.
February 2, 2010 at 10:37 am
Sweetest post ever, Scott! My man leaves handwritten (and illustrated!)notes for me all the time – he's often already at work when I get up in the morning, but there's almost always a note for me, and not just saying mundane things like "I let the dog out" or "we're out of milk." And we've been together for 5 years and have a rambunctious 2 year old! This little gesture gets me every time…
February 2, 2010 at 10:38 am
It's all about the small things. It's easy for a man to do something special every now and then, but providing for the small stuff in a daily basis is what makes the difference for a woman. Simply because this shows that he pays attention to her and recognizes that her needs are important to him.
Being a gentleman is a matter of detail.
February 2, 2010 at 10:41 am
Garance is a lucky, lucky woman. You are a true gem, Sart.
February 2, 2010 at 10:42 am
My love is abroad right now, but he has hidden gifts for me around our home– a bottle of cabernet atop our kitchen cabinets, bars of chocolate taped to cabinet ceilings. Every now and again he'll say, "Go look…," and have me giddy and laughing over my great new find. His thoughtfulness is limitless. I feel so loved, and so boundlessly thankful for this man, for his presence during his absence. Love you, honey, if you're reading this.
It doesn't even have to be a boyfriend – just by smiling at a stranger, or holding the door for the next person getting in the room… those are the kinds of things that simply make my day.
Gentileza gera gentileza.
A former boyfriend of mine once downloaded the movie "the lionking", knowing it to be my all time favourite and then made me popcorn to go with it. We curled up on a matress on the floor by his computer and sang along with all the songs. That's the best date I've ever been on. The smallest favour but the sweetest thing in the world at the same time.
I work four days a week from 7 am-6 pm. After we enjoy a nice dinner, my boyfriend (who doesn't live with me) offers to do the dishes, knowing that I have to go to bed early and get up early. He doesn't do this every so often, he does this almost every day. How lucky I am!
February 2, 2010 at 10:43 am
liz and jack….hah! love it.
i think manners are so important. i'm so glad you took the time to post this. 2 things worth saving these days, language and grace.
February 2, 2010 at 10:44 am
To love is to learn!
February 2, 2010 at 10:45 am
Wow Scott, so very well put. I love the '30 Rock' reference as well. Love that show for the humor and the honest subtleties that you pointed out. What I love about my husband are things like the manner in which he encourages me to make my yoga class on time even though the kids aren't bathed yet. He takes over so willingly and yes, gracefully. That means more to me than any conventional gesture.
Reading your blogs, I love the relationship I sense between you and Garance. It seems truly genuine, very what you see/read is what you get. I look forward to reading them.
February 2, 2010 at 10:46 am
Good for you. What a great post!!
What makes my heart flutter is that my man is a feminist, and encourages other men to be.
It's still a man's world in many ways; 'feminism' is not a dirty word and we should all be advocating equality :)
plus, it's sexy.
February 2, 2010 at 10:47 am
My boyfriend of six years sends me sweet SMS messages every once in a while. They are always totally unexpected protestations of his love for me and cause me to break into a huge smile every time. The most recent was "I've been crushing on you lately." To know that he not only loves me, but is still IN love with me is truly awesome.
February 2, 2010 at 10:49 am
To have this come from you is of no little importance. Gentlemanliness, a subject which engages me personally and professionally, might be considered a lost art. Those with influence can do nothing better than publicly to promote its cultivation, or else to lament its absence. Kudos.beingmanly.blogspot.com
February 2, 2010 at 10:53 am
I have to say, not only we love you for the beautiful images you provide, but also that you can tell they come from a very special kind of gentleman. Lucky Garance. ;)
Cheers from Argentina. Hope you visit us sometime
February 2, 2010 at 10:54 am
When my boyfriend and I leave for work in the mornings, he often heads out to his car before I do. When I get to my car to leave, the snow has already been brushed off for me.
-J in Michigan
February 2, 2010 at 10:56 am
I think you're completely right! i love striving to be a strong independent woman, but i also want a man who doesn't make me feel smaller by "taking care of me", but when manner and grace are innate to him you only feel better and appreciated.
My man is overseas at the moment. When I was sick a few weeks back, he rang me up, made sure I was tucked in bed, then began reading aloud to me from one of my favorite books. It's those loving, thoughtful gestures that garner my deep respect and make me want to hug him so tight. :-)
Fun and Fearless in Boston
February 2, 2010 at 10:57 am
What a beautiful blog post! There are a few dresses that I wear that I have a hard time zipping up or off. My boyfriend always helps me by unzipping it for me when I get home from work or from the evening. He always unzips it (without me asking) and gives me a small kiss on my upper back. Everytime. It is a small gesture but one that reminds me of how lucky I am to have someone who shows me such a small gesture of kindness but yet filled with so much love.
February 2, 2010 at 10:58 am
During a very stressful and busy week at school, my then-boyfriend snuck into the parking lot while I was in class, and slipped a single red rose into my car door handle, leaving me to discover the little treasure at the end of the day.
February 2, 2010 at 10:59 am
This is poetry. Thank you for reminding me, that I'm not the only one left out in this crazy world of ours.
February 2, 2010 at 11:00 am
The most graceful man I know (I'm a woman) is my dad. I see it in every interaction that he has with my mother – the way he helps her with her coat, touches her back as they're walking, and brings her coffee in the morning — something he's been doing for over 35 years.
Also, since my birthday and Valentine's Day coincide, my father always remembers to give me a card and flowers, and to remind me and my sisters that he'll always love us.
While I'm generally not a fan of the commercialized Valentine's Day, I'm always pleasantly reminded that the love that is supposed to be celebrated doesn't have to be romantic love, and that has always been because of the little things that my father does.
(I also think that my dad is a great fashion icon. Because he's a carpenter, he doesn't get to dress up very much, but even in work clothes, he always looks "put together." And when he does dress up — look out! He looks classy and timeless and sophisticated, without seeming like he's trying.)
Can you tell — I think my dad is awesome!
February 2, 2010 at 11:01 am
My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and his everyday kindnesses are short "i miss you" emails and nightly phone calls, dream dates ie meet me in my dreams. But the best thing ever was last valentines day – he sent me flowers, but not real flowers because they die and it makes me sad. He looked up an origami tutorial on youtube and made me a bouquet or purple origami flowers (stems and leaves and all) and he sented them with his cologne.It was thoughtful, different and took planning. (He also made sure to post it so that I would receive it on Valentine's day)He never ceases to surprise and amaze me.
February 2, 2010 at 11:02 am
Giving me a hug when my bottom lip begins to shake. Letting me chose take the better seat in restaurants. So many I can't quite list them but here's two to start…
JouJou Loves You
Waaha..LOVED the last line of the post. You should write more often!
February 2, 2010 at 11:03 am
Of course!Every italian man knows that!
February 2, 2010 at 11:07 am
the things my boyfriend does that I appreciate:- calls me from the grocery store to see if I need anything- leaves earplugs on my side of the bed because he snores- rubs my feet when we're watching TV- puts nice soap in the shower when I spend weekends at his place- lintbrushes me before I leave in the morning- learned how to make my tea just the way I like it
2 things: I'm a lucky woman and my boyfriend is OCD! :-) -cynthia
February 2, 2010 at 11:08 am
Scott, this is a lovely entry. Garance is beyond lucky to have found such sensitive sentiments in an American man! I wish you were the norm, but, alas….
Manners are supremely important and being well-spoken is, too. For all who wish to use our language better, (and we older women hope you do) the best advice is to read, read, read!
May I correct a small typo in your last paragraph? You noted " Us men might learn…..". I'm sure you meant to write "We men might…."
Grace, evident in your photos as well as your words. Thank you for sharing this bit of wisdom with all the men.
February 2, 2010 at 11:09 am
Never underestimate the most 'basic' or 'common' form of gentleman manners. Eg: holding the door open, offering your seat, but always do it with a smile. The smile will make her feel like a million dollars.
I'm not a touchy-feely person and don't like public displays of affection which sometimes make me feel like the most unloving person in the world. And it doesn't help that I don't smile a lot. But, I do like it when my boyfriend holds my hand when we're crossing the road, when he leads me up a tram or a bus, or when he helps me step out of the car. Again, his smile tops it off.
February 2, 2010 at 11:10 am
My husband has been placing the heating pad (which i got from my parents-in-law for Christmas) on my side of the bed under the blanket every night before i get into our bed. As a result, I am all warm and toasty and dream off into slumberland in no time! This simple gesture is so thoughtful especially since it's been freezing here in Switzerland the past couple of weeks. I know why I married this wonderful man!
February 2, 2010 at 11:11 am
Like Omar Sharif (who is my ideal of what is the consummate gracious man is) real grace comes from a deep respect for all people and a deep respect for yourself.
Your photos are filled with this sort of graciousness. Thanks for this.
"Everyday, think as you wake up: Today I am fortunate to have woken up. I am alive. I have a precious human life. I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself to expand my heart out to others for the benefit of all beings." Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet
February 2, 2010 at 11:14 am
Really one of the most great articles i have ever read for the relationship between men & women. This is such a true. Such a rare treasure, which few can see & fewer have the courage to show it & express it naturally! You & your woman are lucky & you hold the key of hapiness in this life! Once you find that to someone..do not ever let go! Thank you for posting it..
February 2, 2010 at 11:15 am
Great post! I very much agree with all that you've said; style and class are something that you just can't buy, you're either born with it or acquire it by your own will after some time and effort.
Small details make a big difference and impact!
Retro Vintage Mod Style
I must say, I think I have the most graceful boyfriend of all. In a "Prince charming goes modern" kinda way. Carrying my heavy luggage whenever I return from my trips, while he hands me a rose for me to hold :-). Or getting little postcards with poems. Or the way he knows when I get hungry (and I get moody when I get hungry) and he magically gets a cupcake out of his bag. But these are all graceful manners. What he does most that makes my heart flutter is the loving way of being himself in my presence. And he has no idea how charming he actually is :-)
February 2, 2010 at 11:16 am
Very sweet! You are so right. My boyfriend always, always opens my car door for me. It's just a small little thing that shows he is always thinking about me and i know he will always 'be there'.
He cooks all the time, and often makes me a little amuse bouche while I'm waiting for dinner. It's the little things that matter. I will always remember these little gestures while I may not always remember what he got me for Christmas.
I believe a man is truly seen in the little day to day gestures-not the grand ones.
The Hype Around...
February 2, 2010 at 11:17 am
I agree with you completely. There are few things finer than being a gentleman.It is an art that should be encouraged daily, either by word or deed.
Manners and grace are like those gloves that your Mr.Barbera was wearing: refined,beautiful and subtle
February 2, 2010 at 11:18 am
Valentine's Day a couple years ago I planned this special evening where I kinda went all out. I got red (jasmine) scented tea-light candles and put them throughout the living room and a couple in the bedroom and then bought a boquette of roses and took a couple of the buds and took the petals off of them and made a walkway back to the bedroom. Then sprinkled a few on the bed (okay, yes, I took a few notes from Hollywood) and then on the bed I had my Valentine's Day present and a box of chocolates waiting. After that. I had prepared a very special dinner (and I do NOT cook) and a nice bottle of wine. Turned out to be quite a bit of work, but the look when the door first opens is 100% worth it!
February 2, 2010 at 11:22 am
I always appreciate it when boys hold the door, offer their help to carry heavy things, and the smallest things – it really tells how gracious and well-mannered they are, and in turn, (for me at least), it shows how kind-hearted he is.
PS. Garance & you make such a lovely & stylish couple, I'm so happy for both of you, Scott!
February 2, 2010 at 11:25 am
If only all people thought it over that well and appreciated other people doing small stuff for them, the world would be a much better place.
I agree, noticing our woman (or man) and being gentle is always rewarding.
February 2, 2010 at 11:28 am
Excellent points Scott. Thank you for the insight. It is a refreshing contrast to read kernels of wisdom amidst a myriad of photographs.
February 2, 2010 at 11:31 am
I usually don't share the blog sites i visit with my boyfriend but this article…I just had to – to send him in the right direction so to speak..He has been lacking in mannersat present :(
This is the first time i have posted but have followed your blog religiously since i stumbled across it a few years back.
You are an inspiration! <3
February 2, 2010 at 11:33 am
I think it is nice when a romantic interest does it, but even nicer when it is a friend. I find men who want to sleep with me, or are sleeping with me, generally are on better behavior. That is very nice and I appreciaet every moment of it.
However, when a male friend reaches out to see how I am doing after a bad day, or offers to open my door etc. That is really a sign of being a well raised man.
You are absolutely right about gentleness, kindness, friendliness. Give it to your wife, the most precious person on the world. And give it to your waitress, to your secretary, to the elderly lady or the young mother on the tube. Gentle men can be so elegant!
February 2, 2010 at 11:35 am
He gave me three babies, he changed their nappies, he cooks our meals, he brings me tea in bed. When we go out, he holds open the door, helps me with my coat, carries my heavy bags. My man has more love and grace in his ways than anybody I've ever met.
I learnt to listen better. Active listening is difficult. If you listen actively you'll pick up a lot of your woman's desires and needs without having to read her intuitively and through feel. Women rarely say things directly, they like to hint, they like to play.
So pay attention.
February 2, 2010 at 11:36 am
I am so pleased that manners seem to be making a comeback! I am currently writing a blog series "on being a lady," and this post fits perfectly with my theme. Thank you for drawing attention to a timeless topic! I'll be sending my readers to this post today!
Stephanie Hillberry of Deviantly Domesticated
February 2, 2010 at 11:37 am
I helped my boyfriend through a tough surgery lately, waiting on him hand and foot and back and all other bodily organs.
It's been stressful on me and my schoolwork and life in general.
Last night I was doing some work with my dad and he dropped by late at night with a giant bouquet of flowers, my FAVOURITE flowers that I have maybe mentioned to him once in our relationship. Perhaps a year or so ago. And he remembered.
It's not even the giantness of the bouquet that got me, it's that he remembered why those particular flowers are so sentimental to me.
Great post. Makes me appreciate my man. :)
February 2, 2010 at 11:38 am
Every morning we walk each other to the front door and whoever is leaving first will turn around after a few steps and we blow kisses to one another.
February 2, 2010 at 11:45 am
Thank you so much, Sart. This just might be the most important item you have posted on your blog. We are all fascinate by the pictures you post and can get so caught up in the images of saying I want that bag, that shoe, that dress, that suit, etc. We forget that all these things are trappings that divert from the true being of ourselves. Manners and grace cannot be learned from a book, but can lead to a foundation to help us mature and become bette human beings (Stylishly dressed, of course ;~)!)
Scott, I am crying. In the midst of trying to decide whether to save a marriage that has all but failed or end it mercifully, your post has made me stop and think and reading the other comments has made me realize that there is still love there. There is still grace. When I think it is done and we have both given up, I wake up to a pot of fresh made coffee, when he only drinks tea. When I think he has failed to notice I am around, there is a new fire in the grate, when he is heading out and only I will be there to enjoy it.
Thank you for the reminder. Thank you for the memory of grace.
I am a design student, and often stay up late working. On the mornings after, I will wake up in bed to see a cup of fresh coffee sitting on my nightstand, placed there by my boyfriend. A small gesture that shows he knows my needs before I even do.
February 2, 2010 at 11:49 am
Ah, this post and all the comments so far have really made my heart sing! As many people have said here, it's not the grandstanding, textbook romantic gestures (often done more to satisfy the self-image of the doer) but the subtle, unshowy acts of kindness and thoughtfulness which knock you out.
I got together with my new man when we were both on holiday in lovely, snowy Slovenia. As our interest in each other developed, I began to notice how beautiful his manners were – and I don't mean knife-and-fork etiquette but little things which made me feel a few inches taller. Nothing glib or smooth about his behaviour, just a gentleness and grace made me feel I could entrust him with my feelings. So far, my instincts have been proved right.
The only way I can describe him to my friends is, 'he's a *real* gentleman'.
Its not always What you do as much as the spirit in which you do it. I asked my husband to wash a few dishes last night. He did it, after whining and pouting a bit. I still appreciated it, but not nearly as much as I would have if he would have done it without pouting. Or better yet, if I had not had to ask at all!
February 2, 2010 at 11:52 am
My husband Mark is one of the most thoughtful men I know.
I will not list everything here but one of my favorites is how he notices when I am getting hangry (hungry/angry)and just subtly gets me a little snack to set my mind straight again.
It really is the little details that make you crazy about a person!NB
February 2, 2010 at 11:57 am
It even goes beyond the man/woman thing. Helping someone across the street, holding the door open for a stranger who has heavy bags, help carrying a stroller up the subway steps etc. And always with a smile.
February 2, 2010 at 11:58 am
I love when my partner walks on the outside/traffic-side with her hand on the small of my back. I love finding my favorite chocolate bar in my purse with a post-it note to say I love you. I love it when we are ordering dinner somewhere and she knows to order mine the exact right way–without the things I dislike.
small gestures are the finer things. they show us that our partner truly IS paying attention, even when we sometimes think they aren't ;)
February 2, 2010 at 12:01 pm
I HAD a boyfriend who did a lot of thoughtful things for me. I took him for granted. It's only in retrospect that I see how thoughtful he really was. I will not make the same mistake again if I am lucky enough to find another keeper.
February 2, 2010 at 12:02 pm
When my current boyfriend and I first started dating I was sort of iffy about him. Funny enough, the gesture that won me over was, when waiting for a bus, I looked away for no more than a second and in that moment he very gently kissed me on my shoulder. I didn't even feel his weight on me, and had I not turned just in time to see him pull away with his lips puckered and eyes still closed, I would have never known that moment had happened. It's as if, in that instant, I was able to see the way he sees me through his eyes.
Gentlemen, if you could do more of these simple, hidden gestures, there'll come a time when your beloved will catch on and I can gaurantee it will melt their heart.
February 2, 2010 at 12:07 pm
My boyfriend of several months (though it also seems like I've loved him forever) and I are in a long distance relationship. We're both beer geeks and we have beers together on the phone a few times a week. Over the last few months he's made it so that we have matching beer glasses–so we can drink the same beers out of the same glasses at the same time. Every time I see them in my cupboard, I fall in love with him all over again.
February 2, 2010 at 12:08 pm
What a timely and refreshing post, Sart. For myself, my beau displays grace and gentle kindness every day. Here are a few of the things he does that mean the most to me:
-giving me a kiss on the forehead each morning while I'm sleeping-walking me home from work at night-laying out our vitamins, cups, and silverware for breakfast the next day-holding my coat up for me while I put it on-pulling out my chair for me at restaurants-reaching out to offer his hand for stability when walking down a snowy or icy road-surprising me with my favorite candy bar for no reason at all-making (a very delicious) dinner when I'm too exhausted to do so
…and so much more.
One thing I find remarkable about my beau's kindness is not so much that he IS kind, but that it has made me want to express my love in similar ways. I find myself being more courteous, loving, and romantic as a result of my beau's loving ways. Grace changes us in ways we never expect.
February 2, 2010 at 12:09 pm
My husband does everything he can to support my fledgling writing career. He always has. Even when we had no money.
This post reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where Elaine meets Mr. Pitt for the first time and takes a shot at having "grace" by acting like Jackie Onassis.
February 2, 2010 at 12:13 pm
The thing that impressed me about my future husband was his grace and thoughtfulness in dealing with all, male or female, weather or not he was interested in them romantically. He was never overbearing in this, never made anyone feel badly for not having the same thought. His gestures never felt patronizing because they were not directed only at women. This, to me, is grace.
February 2, 2010 at 12:14 pm
In the end of August my boyfriend started bringing me fresh hot chocolate in the morning and leaves it on the bathroom counter when I'm about halfway through my shower. Fresh hot chocolate straight out of the shower on a cold autumn/winter morning! It's only a couple times a week and doesn't require a word, but it's the reason I love my gentleman.
February 2, 2010 at 12:15 pm
My husband always opens the door for me. Whether it be to the car or entering a building. I sometimes jump ahead and open the door (it's the independent streak in me) but he will catch the door and hold it the rest of the way.
February 2, 2010 at 12:17 pm
my gentle souled significant other always keeps an eye on me from across the room at parties- not only asking to refill my drink as needed, but also tempering his own drinking so he can always be clear headed enough to drive me home or extend his arm while i'm teetering about in my 4" heels!
and then i get awoken the next morning with homemade soy lattes to clear the martini fuzz out of my head!
February 2, 2010 at 12:27 pm
My sweet husband turns down the bed every night for me, and makes sure the electric mattress cover is on so it's nice and cozy as well. He is a thoughtful man in more ways than I can list. He considers his main job, making me happy, and he's good at it. We are together almost 50 years, and I am very lucky!
February 2, 2010 at 12:28 pm
I will never forget working my first night shift at my first nursing job with a bunch of unfriendly nurses (have you heard the term "nurses eat their young?"), and coming home at 7:30 to find my boyfriend at the time had made me a fancy fruit salad and baked french toast. After a long night of taking care of patients, I felt so cared for! He was also very kind to my cat, even though he wasn't an animal person (and the cat had a bizarre habit of jumping directly on his groin as soon as we'd dropped off to sleep), because I loved the cat. It's the little things that show love, rather than flowers and jewelery.
I'm sorry to say that I took those things for granted at the time. With age comes wisdom!
I was working around the clock one fall and I muttered at some point about being cold and that none of my sweaters fit me anymore due to my around the clock working weight gain. A week or two later I came home around 10 pm and found three sweaters laying out on our bed. He'd gone shopping for me – and he never goes shopping. He said he'd return any of them I didn't like, but obviously they meant more to me than any other sweater and I kept them all. It was the kindest gesture.
February 2, 2010 at 12:29 pm
This is the sweetest post. Made my day.
February 2, 2010 at 12:30 pm
He always always opens doors for me. Makes me sit in the car while he loads the groceries in the trunk (rain or shine)and brings them into the house. He shares in the housework and at 46, is learning to cook "because you work too hard and need to come home to relax."
He takes my shoes off everyday when I get home from work and rubs my feet. Sometimes I come home and find he's taken my foot spa and has it ready to go and gives me a complete foot massage.
He tells me I'm beautiful or gives me some kind of compliment EVERY DAY.He brings me coffee when I'm getting ready for work. He actually listens; I commented I wanted an exercise ball and a few days later there it was.He doesn't criticize me. I don't think I've ever heard him say anything negative about me, ever.
It's not the occasional grand gesture of love that makes a difference. It's the everyday little things that reveal the truth. His innate kindness to everyone makes him the most graceful man I know (next to my Dad who is cut from the same type of cloth).
February 2, 2010 at 12:35 pm
I have to admit to not being one to normally comment on posts, but I had to with this one! I have to admit that this post brought tears to my eyes! I love the everything to do with love and gentleness and kindness. Sentimental thoughts just make me well up inside. Therefore to know that there are men out there who want to do those things for their women is the most beautiful thing-ever!Luckily for me, my other half thinks I'm soppy, but I can tell he secretly agrees! :D
Thank you for a beautiful post and a great start to my day!
February 2, 2010 at 12:37 pm
I adore your blog – the photos are beautiful and unique, as are the people and the sentiments expressed. I try hold out as long as I can before looking each day, to prolong the anticipation.
One lovely, lovely little thing my man does for me is to always be the person who gets up in the middle of the night when our baby wakes up. He travels often on production, so for him to always take on the 4am shift when he's home is such a simple but perfect way to show that he cares.
February 2, 2010 at 12:39 pm
Great post! Manners are the result of thinking of the other person and anticipating what they might need help with.
I appreciate how my husband goes out into the driveway early on cold winter mornings, starts up my car, de-ices the windshield and turns on the heater so that by the time I need to leave for work, the engine is running, I can see where I'm going and the car interior is comfortable.
February 2, 2010 at 12:46 pm
I enjoyed this a lot. I wanted to plug my husband for second. We have a 9 month old, and I'm a new stay at home mom…when the baby has been up all night and I'm tired out of my mind..my husband comes home in the morning's (from his work as a cop on a midnight shift), he will get the baby up, feed the baby, pick up the house, unload the dishwasher and start laundrey all as quietly as possible so that I can get an extra hour sleep. It's amazing. He'll do it even when he's been beaten up the night before (ear infections are never good for hearing someone coming in the dark).
February 2, 2010 at 12:48 pm
I was sick and missed yesterday–what a wonderful post. I used to always wonder why my dad would suddenly change sides when walking together. Finally asked and he told me it was because a gentleman always walks on the outside so that a woman doesn't get splashed from the street. After that I never dated another man that didn't know it!
thanks so much!!!
February 2, 2010 at 12:54 pm
Being able to sustain that grace even during the ups and downs of being with someone matters too. My husband of almost 40 years sets a cup of coffee beside my bed each morning. I have no diamond ring, or showy gifts, but his constant kindness that is offered even when I'm in a less than charming mood remains. It's what brings me to my senses and reminds me of what really matters in a relationship. Reading these posts is a lovely way to commemorate Valentine's day. Thank you for starting the conversation.
Last night I was craving a burger. My boyfriend, tiered after a long day at work, simply ran out in the snowstorm to get one for me. It's the small things that count. Luckily I know at least two more men like this: my father and my brother. And reading all these posts makes me happy. Because it means more people enjoy such expression of love every single day.
February 2, 2010 at 12:59 pm
A note to Larissa Gargaro on your Italian:
You meant to say; "Gentilezza genera gentilezza", kindness begets kindness, in English.
February 2, 2010 at 1:02 pm
i was in buenos aires for work and my husband surprised me by showing up at my hotel. before i had left for my trip, i was stressing out because my facial toner kept leaking i didn't have time to go out and buy a different bottle to put it in for traveling purposes. he remembered that i had complained about it, and when he showed up at my hotel he had purchased a little 99 cent plastic bottle filled with my toner. it's the little things!
two days later, he proposed.
February 2, 2010 at 1:06 pm
thank you for sharing your thoughts, mr.sartorialist, and how exquisitely expressed they are. i see little value given to manners & grace in modern-day-life although my eyes are always wide open, wildly enthusiastic about the little things, acknowledging these virtues when i see them. sometimes it is in the prosaic,in my car being warmed up & the ice scraped off as i prepare for work.it is in the way he acknowledges waiters & waitresses & servicepeople when we're out. being grateful. being courteous. being liberal.
February 2, 2010 at 1:08 pm
I was taught by my mother to hold to door for others. When I was a young teenager I once held the door for a woman who misunderstood me and rudely asked if I was holding the door because she was a lady. I was terribly embarrassed and didn't say anything. My mother told me I should have said, "No, I'm holding the door because I'm a gentleman."
To my fellow gentlemen, your significant other is telling you what to do for her but most of us are not listening. It took me a while to realize this and start paying attention. I've started keeping a private list of ideas for gifts, dates, etc. When she mentions something or when I think of an idea that I think she'll like I add it to the list so that it doesn't get forgotten.
February 2, 2010 at 1:13 pm
J'adore ce post, Scott. Toi et Garance êtes si élégants….! Et je ne veux pas dire seulement dans votre manière de vous habiller… L'élégance se perd et c'est bien triste. J'espère qu'on réflexionera tous un peu plus là-dessus.Merci pour ce post et …. pour ton élégance!
All of these comments, and the original post itself, are beautiful: some of them made me feel genuinely touched.
Although I don't have 'a man' as such, I would like to put forward all those male friends I have which I seem to attract (being quite boisterous a lady!) who mean a lot to me. We're still all young and quite silly (university students) but old-school grace is still very apparent, even if it's manifest in modern situations. They often act in ways which they don't realise are gentlemanly or graceful, but:
Holding me up when I've worn beautiful, stupid shoes out on an icy night in the North of England
Standing in front of me when people at a gig are getting rowdy, so I don't get trampled on
Making me a cup of tea just the way I like it, despite the fact everyone else has it how it comes
This is another form of love that we should show and celebrate on Valentine's day, like Marlie suggests about the love of her father.
I hope everyone has a lovely Valentine's day, thank you as well for an inspiring and celebratory blog.
February 2, 2010 at 1:16 pm
The simple way he looks at me and our son when I'm holding the baby is all. And the fact that he will do everything concerning house work whn I have my period, without me having to ask him…
February 2, 2010 at 1:17 pm
This is wonderful. I couldn't agree more. I remember seeing Jackie O put her arm behind a very old gent who was too near the edge of the dias. No fanfare, just put it there just in case. The little things. My husband grocery shops (and picks up special treats for me), makes coffee and serves mine just as I like it, warms the car in winter, serves food to the children and me which is beautifully "styled", has never told me my breath was bad or something didn't become me, calls me beautiful. The Italian book by Castiglione someone mentioned is the one the Earl of Oxford loved and because I'm an Oxfordian – believing he wrote Shakespeare plays – I believe that is the reason he never took credit for or signed (like the Economist) his name. The book says a gentlemen does't take credit but works quietly serving the world.
awww fiddlesticks–you got me all choked up. What a lovely post!
I live in the deep South, where traditional chivalry never died–for good or ill. I love it when a man uses traditional decorum–opening a door, standing when I enter a room, and when he treats me with at least the same respect he treats his fellow men. Generally my gay male friends have the very best manners of those fronts, BTW–no need to be "hearty."
February 2, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Off to forward this on to, well, everyone…
February 2, 2010 at 1:19 pm
Whenever we went to a hole in the wall asian restaurants, a guy I used to date would make me chopstick stands out of it's paper cover so I wouldn't have to rest the chopsticks on the table surface throughout the meal. funny how small gestures like that just drive us women wild!!
February 2, 2010 at 1:22 pm
my husband has been opening my car door for me since we were dating, and he still does it, after 4 years of marriage. and then I reach over and unlock his side for him.
it is a small and beautiful thing.
February 2, 2010 at 1:24 pm
I love this post. Sometimes it's the little unexpected things. My husband was going out of town for a few days and he surprised me and my daughter with gift certificates for a cupcake shop, a pedicure and sushi so we'd have something fun to look forward to over the week. That was just lovely.
February 2, 2010 at 1:27 pm
Hm. Silly women can't look after themselves? Cute post, but a little misguided. Archaic manners are pretty grounded in archaic attitudes.
Be kind because she's a person, not a 'woman'!
February 2, 2010 at 1:30 pm
The best thing we can do for each other is love and cherish . . . even when times are tough.
My husband graciously, and without the tiniest of grumbles, gets up with our toddler in the morning (and sometimes the baby!).
He makes me laugh constantly, reminding me always that life is to be enjoyed.
When I am frazzled he remarks on how hard I work, or how organized I am. When I'm feeling grubby he only sees (or speaks of) beauty.
Truly an amazing man.
Thank you for reminding us to take stock.
February 2, 2010 at 1:40 pm
thanks so much for taking your blog to a whole new level, the discussion of grace and relationships is beyond timely, as are your photos, and have provided my day with a few tears and expansive joy that I have no desire to let go of, please continue in this vein when the oppurtunity presents itself, thank you for a glorious gift in time for valentines day.
February 2, 2010 at 1:42 pm
I will admit that I got a bit teary-eyed whilst reading these postings. The heart-swelling-up-cry-at-weddings kind of teary-eyed….
Anyhow. Just last night, I was complaining about the wretched weather and how it's making my skin incredibly dry and irritable. My bf immediately asked "Do you need me to lotion your legs up for you"? He then immediately got up, got some moisturizer and gave my embarrassingly dry legs some much needed attention. That's just one example of his genuine thoughful love and care for my well-being.
Have you ever felt so much love for someone, that you sometimes think that your heart is going to explode just from looking at them?
I echo some of the sentiments above: this post brought me to tears! I'm especially thankful for your editor's note, Scott. Valentine's Day is usually overwhelmingly hetero-focused and it's hard to not feel excluded.
My girlfriend knows I like to sleep in a bit in the morning, so she always wakes up earlier to shower and prepare breakfast. That extra 10-15 mins make me feel refreshed and super loved.
February 2, 2010 at 1:49 pm
I wish I could say the same of my fiancé. He does so many things for me (among the others he's supporting me while I'm an unemployed student) but something I can never expect from him is these small little gestures.In four years he never got me flowers for example. Or did anything at home without me asking 10 times for it.But I guess it's ok… he would be too perfect otherwise.I just miss all this sometimes though.
What a lovely post :)
February 2, 2010 at 1:50 pm
Wonderful post and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
One of my favorite quotes defining what a "Gentleman" is (or Gentlewoman, for that matter):
"I thought a "gentleman" was somebody that owned horses. But it turns out, his short and simple definition of a lady or a gentleman is, someone who always tries to make sure the people around him or her are as comfortable as possible."
The movie "Blast From the Past"
Your recent blog entries on grace have been wonderful. In life, it truly is the little things that mean the most and add richness and character to our existence.
Many thanks for extending that courtesy.
February 2, 2010 at 1:53 pm
My partner gets up very early in the morning, whereas I like to sleep in an extra hour or so later. Sometimes I'll forget to put my sleeping mask on in the evening, which blocks the light when he turns the lights on in the morning. On the mornings that I forget he will insist I keep my eyes closed while he finds it for me and hands it to me in bed. It's such a sweet simple thing to do and I love him for it.
February 2, 2010 at 1:55 pm
We trash picked a nice wooden crate the other day and he insisted on carrying it for me. He lights my cigarette and always kisses me on the cheek when we first meet.
When I read, "to simply be a more graceful man for my graceful woman" my heart fluttered. That's truly one of the sweetest sentiments I have seen expressed in a long time. All the best to the two of you.
February 2, 2010 at 2:06 pm
The way my husband shows affection to my mother putting a hand on her shoulder, how he leans down his head so he can hear what my petite friend is saying, how he blinks towards me when our eyes cross at crowded places, anytime he waits for me to be ready and smiles although we are late and says you are the prettiest girl at the party baby.In other words, everytime his gestures show his care, concern, respect or affection for himself or anyone around him, those are the times his charm shows and it just leaves me breathless.
This post certainly made my day. I am in a long distance relationship. Currently things have been hard, but reading this reminded me to thank God for what I do have. I pray my relationship is for now until forever, but reading this reminding me that recognizing the beauty in the good and the bad is what sustains us.
Thank you for your blog. In addition to great photography, The Sartorialist radiates with the beauty of the human experience; from the fashion of a fine tailored outfit, to the beauty of a simple smile. Godspeed.
February 2, 2010 at 2:09 pm
I think the small gestures go a long way but there is a flip side as well. I think saying 'thank you' for every small gesture is important. When I was dating someone long distance, and I visited, he would always carry my suitcase from the car to the house. I always thanked him…even if it was a few hours later because I had, unfortunately, forgotten. He would always cook while I visited and I always thanked him. With the small things comes appreciation. It's a two way street.
February 2, 2010 at 2:14 pm
My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. Last night when I walked into the bedroom, after taking almost an hour getting ready for bed, he looked up at me and smiled. That made my week and it's only Tuesday……
February 2, 2010 at 2:16 pm
When I'm on my way home from work and planning to make a chicken cutlet salad for dinner, my husband will take the lettuce out of the fridge so it will be at room temperature when I arrive. He knows I don't enjoy cold lettuce because it makes my teeth cold.I snuggle up to his neck and say thank you.
The first thing he did when he came home from work last night was to put on the new socks I'd just finished knitting for him. I love how he behaved like a kid at Christmas.
February 2, 2010 at 2:18 pm
It's sometimes hard to see small beauties in other people and in the world at large. Reading your post reminded me that the common things are often the most radiant. While I have yet to experience that for myself, I see it everyday with my parents. Despite the crazy my Mom can deliver, my Dad is still there to laugh with her. I am so lucky to have parents that still love each other, even as an almost grown-up myself. I'm happy to keep the faith when the evidence is all around.
February 2, 2010 at 2:19 pm
I have to say that my husband (of 6 months, bf of 8 ½ years) has to be the most loving, caring, thoughtful, graceful husband in the whole universe. He does so many wonderful things for me that I start to believe that every man is just like him. Not so! When I was a full time graduate student (just finished last November, woo hoo!), I also worked an 8-5 job. My days, evenings and late nights were dominated by work and school. He knew how busy (and stressed) I was so he took care of my laundry, dry cleaning, cooked for me, made sure my car was running well, took out the trash, washed the dishes, cleaned, loved me up and made sure I had more than enough emotional and moral support while in school. He opens doors for me, buys me presents he thinks I would love, protect me when he thinks a car might possibly run me over =-), encourage me to be fit and healthy, cover me when I am cold, brings me something cool when I’m hot, and does so many other countless loving and thoughtful things! He continues to do so even after 9 years of being together and even after I finished school. I am sooo lucky to have such a wonderful husband. When I am with him, I never worry about a thing and always feel so darn loved. I know that he is one of a kind. It’s so hard to top the kind of love he gives me, but every day I try my best to give him all the love I have inside of me. Every day is Valentine’s day for us.
February 2, 2010 at 2:22 pm
I think posts like this illustrate readers are so dedicated to this blog. We associate Sart with fashion but know the author is representative of more.
My boyfriend is all about the small stuff. He opens my car door first, pays my bill at the bar when I'm too "distracted" to notice the waitress and adds my groceries to his when I just want to get one or two things. Most of all, I love that it shows me that he does pay attention to the small details of life, which means I can depend on him when I'm forgetful or stressed. :)
February 2, 2010 at 2:26 pm
YOU sir are a lovely lovely man. You have restored my faith not only in men but in humanity as well. All these comments from your readers are little love stories that warm my heart. I think its safe to say you have inspired all of us. Thank you Scott .
February 2, 2010 at 2:27 pm
I work as I flight attendant and after every trip, be it 1 day or 10 days, my fiance meets me in the arrivals hall at the airport, gives me a hug and a kiss, then pushes my bags to the car and drives me home
February 2, 2010 at 2:31 pm
What a lovely post.
I suppose the most graceful and endearing trait of my boyfriend is always, always putting others first. This is said all too often about women, but I think it gets overlooked when a man does it.
Time for me to go make him a great dinner since I have the afternoon off :)
February 2, 2010 at 2:34 pm
Ah, now this is why I love your blog so much – great photographs, and great CONTENT. I'm only twenty-one, but my boyfriend and I have been together for four years! I can't even remember every thing he has done for me, but I do plan on starting a journal soon to catalogue them. Anyway, I think one of the most charming things is when we're going to sleep at night, he usually falls asleep before I do. Sometimes, though, even when he's sleeping, he'll reach out and hold my hand, or put his hand on my head – even when he's in a deep slumber! It's the cutest thing. Love transcends consciousness, I think.
Anyway, thank you for keeping your blog as not only a great resource for street fashion, but as an inspiring forum as well. I love reading the other comments, and your own personal stories.
February 2, 2010 at 2:36 pm
he will always find something for me to eat if I say i'm feeling hungry and then he overfills the bowl to make sure i've had enough.As a woman it's so rewarding to not have someone make you feel like a pig when you're just plain peckish.
February 2, 2010 at 2:43 pm
Ignore these folks trying to worsen your grammar. Your blog post is actually correct as it stands: " . . . share with us men" You wouldn't say "with we," now, would you?
Thank you for such talent and chivalry. How rare.
February 2, 2010 at 2:46 pm
That's what my wife appreciates the most: gentelmenliness. It has nothing to do with money, big muscles or an extraordinary car. It's just having her in mind.
One of the sweetest things my husband does for me every day is turns down the covers on my side of the bed before he leaves for work. We work opposite hours and this small gesture lets me know he is thinking of me even when I'm not there.
Lisa in Ohio
February 2, 2010 at 2:51 pm
My manners come second nature since I was raised by my mother in the midwest. Saying "m'am," excuse me, holding the door open, and the big one – walking on the correct side of the street with a woman. You don't don't know much women look at that. Two reasons why I do these things: I am good person and I feel that women (who deserve it) should be treated like queens.
My husband loathes eating fish, and I love it. He has taught himself to cook it so beautifully for me, that I never order it in a restaurant, because noone else can do it so well.
The Adventures of Liz
February 2, 2010 at 2:52 pm
he washed the cups after i made us espresso. by hand.
February 2, 2010 at 2:53 pm
I work at Nordstrom as a customer service representative, and after reading this particular entry, a customer came to the counter asking me to gift-wrap a few lunches she had ordered to-go from our Cafe. At first, I thought this was an odd request, but the woman insisted that she has had it done for her in the past. When I finished gift-wrapping the lunches, she explained to me that they were for two of her dearest friends, and that they really enjoy it everytime she does it. I was taken aback and thought this was a true act of grace and kindness.
February 2, 2010 at 2:55 pm
It might be the mind set of the morning after two evenings of silence at home and finally talking it out last night, but this post hit a deep spot.
My boyfriend of 9 years is the kindest most sincere boy I've ever come across and I'm lucky to have him.
This reminded me to give back to him and make sure he knows I notice his little kindesses he offers me. I shouldn't need reminding but I'm human after all. Thanks from New Zealand.
February 2, 2010 at 2:56 pm
what a wonderful post, very nicely written :))
February 2, 2010 at 2:58 pm
the way that when i'm too tired to care, he steps in and takes over, making the decisions and knowing what i'll need so that i don't have to ask for them, be it what we'll have for dinner, or what we'll do in the evening after work, or taking care of our son when i simply have to take a break from it all for about ten minutes. i love making those decisions most of the time, but i equally love having that taken from me when i most need a break.
February 2, 2010 at 3:00 pm
His consideration for my dietary restrictions is a plus in my book.
February 2, 2010 at 3:02 pm
I live in Chicago. It gets terribly cold and windy here. Before my boyfriend and I lived together he would pick me up in the morning to take me to work and have a cup of coffee (with soy milk and splenda) the way I like it waiting for me. Even though it was completely out of his way.
It's been 3 years and I still have a crush on my boyfriend.
February 2, 2010 at 3:06 pm
Hi Scott,Very nice post. By the way, would you kindly let me know which book have you bought to your girls? About good manners for young ladies.I'm actually searching for this kind of book… for me!Many thanks for your feedback and…for your classy blog. Albane.
February 2, 2010 at 3:16 pm
This is such a beautiful post, which reminded me to be more appreciative of the many little things my boyfriend does for me:
- He cooks dinner for me almost every night.- He works only half the day on Friday and uses some of that time to do our laundry or run errands for us.- He supports me in whatever impulsive decision I make, whether I'm planning for the weekend or for the year.- He makes me laugh every day.
Sometimes you get so caught up in what's going on around you that you forget to stop and appreciate what you have. Thanks for posting this gentle reminder for everyone!
February 2, 2010 at 3:17 pm
..sigh..this is why I read your blog everyday, thank you so much for your frank and thoughtful comments, it's not only how you say it but it also feels like you say things to me. It moves me and it inspires me, thanks..
February 2, 2010 at 3:27 pm
He draw a flower and a sun on the day of my soon coming birth day in his calendar.very sweet!Or when he said that he will made food for the birthday party and I just need to sit and watch.
I really like how you write about Garance and how Garance writes about you like in her post "Oh boys". I love love stories… :)
February 2, 2010 at 3:29 pm
Really touching post. I usually follow your blog quietly, never commenting. But i felt this one deserved a written commendation. It really hit home with. If only consideration for others was a an active premise for all of us.
February 2, 2010 at 3:33 pm
I love emails that are properly punctuated. Capital letters, the well-placed comma, the em dash—I love them all. Also, when I know the sender has written the email on a smart phone rather than a computer, I appreciate the extra effort that correct punctuation has taken.
February 2, 2010 at 3:34 pm
I've been quite sick for the last two months, and was feeling very discouraged. Though many of my friends expressed sympathy and care, one man sent me a very corny joke to cheer me up. It worked. He had taken the time to understand my personality and because of that was able to offer what others weren't. That's grace.
February 2, 2010 at 3:35 pm
I have loved your blog for a few years now but never posted until today. What a moving and graceful post, Scott! The comments are lovely too. It really reminds me of all the wonderful things my boyfriend does for me.
The first moment I knew I loved him was when I caught him taking the trash out in my apartment without being asked, without telling me. That was almost 5 years ago. Last weekend I came home from work and he had put the laundry in, because he found it sitting out ready to go. He is so thoughtful and selfless.
Thank you for the post!
February 2, 2010 at 3:47 pm
my man makes my bed on the days he gets to sleep in when i have to run off to work. but even better than that are the times i find little drawings hidden for me around my apartment. just things he sees and draws, knowing i love finding them. i now have a drawer full…
February 2, 2010 at 3:58 pm
I kind of feel as if some posters are missing the point of grace and manners…I don't feel it's about the gift or sweet nothings a person may do for us but the everyday manner in which our partner exists not just for us but other people.
The man who hold a door for all women.The waiter at a non-fancy restaurant who folds the napkin when a diner leaves the table.The woman who redirects a conversation when she's senses someone is uncomfortable.The guy who looks you in the eye and without a word casually brushes a crumb off your face in such a way that it's more sexy than embarrassing. The person who always trying to include everyone (including the most shy) into a conversation.
To me, this is grace and manners at it's finest.
February 2, 2010 at 3:59 pm
I'm currently single but am fortunate enough to have a brother who happens to be a gentleman. If I am ever the one to drive, and we stop for gas, he always gets out and pumps the gas for me. True gentleman always pump gas for women, thanks brother.
February 2, 2010 at 4:02 pm
Everytime I'm spenting the evening in his place he gets me cofee and milk in bed – and he doesn't drinks neither.
February 2, 2010 at 4:03 pm
Manners form an important part of your life. In current times, when people are sick and fed up of the "me me me" attitude, they find great comfort and happiness through acts as ordinary as holding the dooor open; or as complex as assisting a complete stranger.My dad always said to me that "manners maketh the man", and I don't know where he got it from. But it has affected virtually all of my movements towards others; and consequently both friends, family, lovers & business acquaintences respond to me far greater than I deserve.
To manners, I thank you.
February 2, 2010 at 4:04 pm
it is surely the little things, but not any one specific little thing. It's almost the routine and structure that he brings my life with the little things he does…all of them together make me feel so safe and loved.
February 2, 2010 at 4:06 pm
I think the most gracious gesture a boyfriend of mine ever did was when the day after a friend and I had each performed public monologues for a drama class, he surprised us both with a rose. Red for me, and pink for her. He'd given me roses before (including getting down on one knee with a dozen red ones to ask me to be his girlfriend)and I loved it every time. But what made this gesture so wonderful was that he'd had the consideration to include her in it. The way her face lit up completely enhanced my own experience. It was the first time a guy had given her a rose, and it didn't matter to anyone that it was my guy doing so. Except maybe her boyfriend who hadn't thought of it…
My husband takes the time to make my latte just how I like it and always puts a heart in the foam. He also leaves my toothbrush out with the paste on it in the evening. He is great in many other ways, but it is the small gestures that seem the most special.
February 2, 2010 at 4:09 pm
Hmm your post is making me melt, it's great! You and Garance are perfect. I must say I too have the luck of having found someone who surprises me with a quick note when he has to leave early, who buys a bottle of champagne making a normal day not so normal, who choose the perfect baby name – the name I always dreamed off – before he knew that it was.
February 2, 2010 at 4:16 pm
My best friend, since we were 14, helps me to put on and to put off my coat, he always holds the door for me, he makes sure my glass is never empty and so on. But most of all he makes me feel special, more clever and more elegant than everybody else. I'm so lucky to have him, he makes me a better person every day 'cause he sees me that way.
February 2, 2010 at 4:26 pm
Beautiful post. I too saw the scene from 30 Rock, and I admired the little attentiveness Jack showed.
Personally, it is hard for me to fall for someone. When he calls to just hear my voice or fly out to Paris to visit me when I was gone for three months (actually happened), I have to constantly remind myself that falling can happen and I can lose myself in the process. For me, having someone who just listens. Understands that I still have my life, but wants to be a part of it. By ending the day with guy who remembers the little things I talked about the day before, I am completely overjoyed.
Lauren E. Warner
February 2, 2010 at 4:31 pm
My boyfriend showed up one night while I was working at the desk of a yoga studio. He brought my favorite, kiffles, a Harry Connick Jr. CD, and a Boyz II Men CD for the throwback quality. Another time he washed my car, just because.
February 2, 2010 at 4:32 pm
Great post and wonderful idea. I will fall all over a man who makes me coffee that way I like it. Extra points if delivered to me as I am getting out of bed because I am no good without coffee
February 2, 2010 at 4:46 pm
'It doesn't matter who you're lovin', it's how you're lovin'!'
THE SIMPLE TRUTH!
margaret at bonbonliving
February 2, 2010 at 4:52 pm
When we first met in a crowded room, and he looked back at to end of the long line we were in (in which, for some reason, I was the only woman) and said, "Excuse me, would you like to take my place here at the front?"
February 2, 2010 at 4:54 pm
one of your most beautiful posts :)
February 2, 2010 at 5:03 pm
Scott thank you for this. This filled an empty day with hope for me. As I am always aware of my actions in front of women; especially one that I am interested in, I make an effort to pay attention to detail and do little things that would please her. unfortunately for me, I will not have a valentine this year although I do have someone I am always thinking about, and I hope it's the same way for her. I'm just hoping that true love waits.
February 2, 2010 at 5:04 pm
Grace: not just between a man and a woman who love each other, but also between complete strangers.
Some things I like and always do:
Holding the door open for people behind you, especially if their hands are full.
Acknowledging people on the street and smiling at them. (This one makes my day every single time. Just yesterday, I was staring out the window of my mom's car when I saw a man on a wheelchair about to cross the street. He caught my eye, nodded and smiled. I smiled back. Two strangers acknowledging each other happily. How lovely is that?)
Look someone in the eyes when you thank them.
Etc…too many to list!
February 2, 2010 at 5:12 pm
I met my husband 20 years ago when we were 20 year old students.He's not a big one for romantic gestures but on Valentine's day last year, he was away on business and he sent me a text message saying (imagine this being said in a French accent) "Half my life I with you and still I love you so"
February 2, 2010 at 5:18 pm
Beautiful post, Scott.
These are a few of the lovely things my fiance still does for me, even though we've seen each other almost every day for the last 10 years:
- Puts my vitamins out every morning
- Kills spiders that get in the house, even though he's more afraid of them than I am
- In his endearingly nerdy way, sings me the theme song from "Smallville" when I ask him to sing me a lullaby
February 2, 2010 at 5:19 pm
My boyfriend leaves before me in the morning, and he always arranges my watch, keys, ipod, and cell phone on the kitchen counter because he knows I will be frantic and late looking for them if he doesn't find them first.
Happy Valentine's Day!
February 2, 2010 at 5:31 pm
My lovely partner does lots of graceful, appreciative things, but one of my favourites is that he always takes down a towel to pass to me as I get out of the shower.
February 2, 2010 at 5:32 pm
Your photos have been a constant inspiration for me, in expressing my style, and now I am inspired to express my appreciation of those loving gestures from my husband of 20 years, no matter how stupid, at times, I may feel those gestures to be!!Thank-you for making the world more beautiful than you found it.
Grace lies not within the gesture, but how the gesture is perform. A gesture could actually leave a bad impression if done without any thought. However, when thought is put into it even if it's subconscious it can be the thing to make someone fall in love.
February 2, 2010 at 5:34 pm
to simply be a more graceful man for my graceful woman.
-That is really beautiful.
It's true too. As a woman, I notice he nuances of gentlemanly behavior not just inthe way I am treated but in the way a man treats others who are around us. It's not "extra" it's good manners and form. I hold doors for others and go out of my way to be courteous. It's the least I expect from those I keep company with whether dating or not.
This is useful as a gay reader too. It isn't one of us that acts like a gentleman, we both do. :)
February 2, 2010 at 5:35 pm
Nice post, I think I´m very lucky, my boyfriend usually comes to drive me home from the university after a long day working, he always ask me how was my day, and for xmas he gave me a big bucket of popcorn cause he knows i love them and i never eat them.
Kind Regards from Spain.
Indie Mom and the Reluctant Banker
I love that my boyfriend holds the door for me, carries my bag if it's heavy, let's me get the better seat in restaurants, offers me his jacket if I'm cold, all of those slightly old fashioned things. I love that he always insists on taking care of everything around the house when I have an exam coming up, so I can focus on studying instead. I love that he tells me I'm beautiful when I'm feeling everything but that.
I feel like a very, very lucky woman to be loved by him. Thank you for reminding me of this.
February 2, 2010 at 5:36 pm
Meeting me at the subway even when I don't ask, but he can tell it's been a long day!
And, the traffic side of the street. An oldie, but always a beautiful sign of attention.
February 2, 2010 at 5:37 pm
What a beautiful post.
February 2, 2010 at 5:39 pm
My fiancé is always on top of the little things (and the big ones). He jumps to open the car door for me, he moves quickly to open other doors for me, he carries my stuff, he loves on my cats (even though he's not a cat person)….the list is endless.
The other morning he boiled two eggs to slice with our lunch, and grumbled that one had "spoiled" in the boiling…he left for work before me, and when I opened my lunch I discovered he'd left the good egg for me. Of course he had, that's how he always is.
He is kind to my crazy, and crazy about me.
February 2, 2010 at 5:47 pm
My son is 21 and very handsome but couldn't care less about his appearance–thinks it's hilarious to indulge in crude humor, pretends to like not bathing,etc. BUT–his 'at-home' persona is really a way of letting off steam. It's lovely to see him in company–he's so well-mnnered and respectful, so interested in other cultures and ways of doing things. Sometimes the right context can bring out the best in someone.
February 2, 2010 at 5:52 pm
Love your post! It is about the small things in live that really care. When you feel and see that your man is doing graceful things for you, you then also want to give it back. Then you will have a much more satisfying relationship en the chemistry is right.Little thing (for example my boyfriend does):When I am tired after a long working, I take a hot shower and go to bed early with a good book. When I hear the sound of him cleaning up in the kitchen etc, it just gives me a happy and save feeling.He always opens the door for me everywhere and let me go first, also the door of the car (still after 6 years!)Often compliments how I look, about what I wear, or my make-up (really!!)weekly fresh flowers ;-) !!
Happy Valentine's day!
February 2, 2010 at 5:53 pm
As I walked back to the car one night after dinner with a male friend, he had stopped to touch a bush that was in the path. Then he asked me to come back and touch it as well. He said that it looked soft, so he wanted to touch it and find out. Then he called me back to come see and share in it with him. And it was very soft. Beautiful!
February 2, 2010 at 6:03 pm
a handwritten-card from my man always blows me away.
you're so right about women noticing and valuing 'the small stuff'. thanks for that post, mr. schuman!
February 2, 2010 at 6:04 pm
one of the first things I noticed when I started dating my boyfriend was that when we walked down the bustling streets of New York arm in arm, he somehow always noticed when there was something yucky like gum on the ground, or a grill where my heels might slip through, and made sure to guide me out of the way. Its the little things like that that let you know someone really wants to take care of you, even more than you would normally take care of yourself!
February 2, 2010 at 6:07 pm
such a nice post, and I always notice when adults and children have grace and nice manners…My man is extremely thoughtful, as is his father which makes sense…I recently expressed how I'd be interested to see Tim Burton's version of Alice in Wonderland; My man has a collection of beautifully bound fairytales(an investement for the future and for children)and he suggested we read a chapter of Alice every night to each other, in anticipation of the film. It is so lovely and we go to bed a little earlier each night to enjoy this ritual. He's very very thoughful and I appreciate it so much!
February 2, 2010 at 6:13 pm
What a lovely idea! But unfortunately I can't think of anything, despite being in a relationship for 5 months. Thanks for reminding me that some men really are gentlemen, and believe in showing women that they care.bisoux
February 2, 2010 at 6:20 pm
Finding that you have a full tank of gas in the morning when you are late to work puts a big smile on my face and makes my heart flutter!
BTW, Garrance is very lucky!
February 2, 2010 at 6:29 pm
We were at a very crowded standing room only concert and my boyfriend searched for 30 minutes to find a chair for my friend who had recently torn a muscle in her knee. It was the first time he had met my friend and I was proud he made such an impression without being asked too and without making a show of it. He just walked away without saying a word, and I knew instantly where he went and why.
It's his superhero in disguise personality that makes him graceful. His willingness to go to extreme lengths for something that will please me and his knack for small actions and surprises that make each day a lovely one with him.
Katelyn Likes This
February 2, 2010 at 6:31 pm
Simply seeing a nice big smile every time your man sees you, goes a long way. Even if you have a bad day, or you're feeling down, or nervous. When someone you love greets you with a big smile like you're the best part of your day, not much can top that.
Among other things, just telling your significant other how nice they look. A lot of people put work into their appearance every day and sometimes it can feel unrewarding. My man taught me that ;)
February 2, 2010 at 6:32 pm
On the mornings I work from home, my boyfriend brings coffee to me in bed. It is the one of many sweet, sweet things he does for me every day. LOVE HIM!
February 2, 2010 at 6:33 pm
I have to say that the kindest thing I have seen in a long time was not something that happened to me. At work a group of us were standing at the window watching it snow and an older lady started to clean off her car to go home. One of the gentlemen watching ran down the stairs and finished the job for her. Those are the kind of selfless manners that are rare in society today. I find that true manners are expressed through putting others before ones self, rather than just being polite.
August 22, 2015 at 12:34 pm
“I find that true manners are expressed through putting others before ones self, rather than just being polite.”
February 2, 2010 at 6:35 pm
I think the height of courtliness is when someone takes the time to consider something that they know is important to you, even if it isn't really of interest to them at all. My boy is the scruffiest anti-sartorial fellow, who throws on an old Tee and jeans whatever we do, always takes the trouble to give me a brief on the viability of wearing heels. For example he'll say: Parking around there's a bit tricky so we may need to walk a few blocks …. you might want to wear flats. Naturally I never do wear the flats but I appreciate his thinking ahead and being concerned with my comfort. In addendum I should say that if I ever whimp out of the walk, having ignored his warning, he's cool with getting a cab! Goodness knows I what I do for him to deserve his sweetness!
February 2, 2010 at 7:02 pm
Dylan Jones, The editor of GQ wrote a brilliant book called " Mr Jones`rules for the modern man". I would advice every man to read it. Also check out a website called The impossible Cool for inspiration from the good old guys.
All the best and thanks for great pics and inspiration.
steph finds that the..
February 2, 2010 at 7:07 pm
his one little kindness would be that he carries my books in school for me without ever me having to ask him. They are very heavy, and I just love that about him.
February 2, 2010 at 7:13 pm
Please come talk to the boys(and I say boys) on my college campus. Although harder to admit, it wouldn't hurt for some of us ladies to also hear how to be more graceful.
February 2, 2010 at 7:15 pm
My husband makes a point of always putting a fresh bar of soap in the shower and a fresh roll of TP in the holder. He knows it makes me feel loved, and I thank him every time. It's one of the unexpected ways he shows me he still remembers what I notice. I hope he always does.
my husband always thanks me for cooking dinner, always even if he has eaten the same dish a thousand times. he listens, he gives me time and space. i am a very lucky woman.
God's Favorite Shoes!
February 2, 2010 at 7:30 pm
Little things like putting gas in the car so I don't have to stop in the morning. Or something as small as walking the dog in the morning because I want to sleep late…(it's my dog…not his)
February 2, 2010 at 7:32 pm
this is such a wonderful post and one which i feel every man and women ought to read. it is the little things in life which have the most meaning. sadly i think alot of people have forgotten this, so i say, we get back to the basics! one thing which i have noticed at my high school is that very few guys will go out of their way to hold open a door for a lady or whatnot… i think a few of my classmates need to be taught the importance of grace and proper manners. although this is not true for everyone, just a few weeks ago i tripped up the stairs and a boy i didnt know stopped to make sure i was alright, now thats truly nice!
February 2, 2010 at 7:33 pm
"It doesn't matter who you're lovin', it's how you're lovin'!"
Very well said!
February 2, 2010 at 7:36 pm
i have the most darling boy. i love fashion & clothes. he respects that without making me feel guilty. he notices every little detail about my outfit. he dresses really nice, but he's not trendy. don't get me wrong…he always looks fantastic but is most comfortable in jeans and a tshirt.
i digress. he worries that he's not "fashionable" enough. it's so appropriate…this post…because to me, what i love about him are his manners and kindness: how polite he is to everyone! he's just so considerate of everyone in his life, even if they aren't to him. it just makes me want to protect his heart!
i've dated guys who would fit well on your site…you'd love to take their pic. they had the right oxfords, the softest of cashmere sweaters…the perfect confidence…appeal…but they had the wrong heart. all the pretty clothes…the perfect pocket square hanging diligently from the perfectly tailored blazer from milan. THESE THINGS DO NOT COUNT!
His soul, willingness to take things slow, to always hold my hand, to let me borrow his gloves when it's cold… to cook for me and then wash the dishes! all of this is more beautiful and attractive then a wardrobe from barneys. you dig?
February 2, 2010 at 7:39 pm
The one little thoughtfulness that always gets me comes from my best male friend. Although I typically eschew — or at least humorously challenge — all acts of chivalry on the notion that I can take care of myself, this guy never fails, if we're coming upon a person or group while traversing the city, to subtly place himself between my bag and said group. He does it not in any prejudicial manner — just with everyone, and from a place of cautious protection. Part of me sort of rankles at the tenet, but the overwhelming majority appreciates that he's given me that much thought.
Oh, I hope you read all the way to the end!
Such a pleasure to read this post, thank you. Garance is a lucky girl!
My husband does all the gentlemanly things and always has done. I always thank him too because I aways, always appreciate it. Something that came to mind was that he is always particularly thoughtful with women friends when we're out – not in fawning way, just seems to take care of stuff. Makes me proud!
February 2, 2010 at 7:47 pm
We're embarking on our fourth year and daily he tells me that he loves me, with so much feeling that I melt. He will hold me when we sleep without fail, even if it is scorching hot in the summer (and I am a naturally hot person) and I make him sweaty and uncomfortable. When my very unladylike snoring wakes him up, he tickles my nose so that I turn over, and then kisses the back of my neck. When the crazy cats pounce on us in the middle of the night, he will mumble "I love you" before falling back asleep.
He doesn't always remember to hold the door open, but I have never felt more loved than I do with him.
I trust him with the keys to my house, the password to my email, and my entire heart.
February 2, 2010 at 7:53 pm
My husband, Jesse, always takes care of me. I don't have a car and generally walk to work, but he won't let me walk to work in cold/rain/snow/heat…. he makes it a priority to drive me there. If I'm running late and he's ready to go before I am, he even goes to our local coffee shop, picks up my usual and than comes back for me. He's a wonderful husband :)
February 2, 2010 at 7:58 pm
I never leave a comment on any blog.But this time I just have to do it.
This is the best post so far, Sart!
All this little gestures that portrays thoughts an sincerity makes me believe love do exist.
February 2, 2010 at 8:03 pm
I think when there are manners in a person, it really highlights their character. There is almost a known respect for themselves, when a person shows their manners. The subtle manners, the things that on a day to day basis really matter. – Looking someone in the eye, pausing, taking that in, and smiling. – accepting a compliment well. – saying thank you and please. – be sincere and respectful. – loving my dog as much as I do. – when he does not treat my parents like they are aliens. – When he tells me I am beautiful, I had a dear friend once tell me, "anything you do will be beautiful" – it has always stuck with me.
February 2, 2010 at 8:06 pm
Whenever I'm in my boyfriend's house, I don't have to lift a finger. He'll cook for me, do the dishes, run out for coffee, etc. He makes me feel like an honored guest every time-and I do the same for him when he's in my home.
February 2, 2010 at 8:07 pm
my ex always walked on the "traffic side" and opened doors for me – and it always kinda annoyed me. i find that it is more a statement than out of concern for the other person.
on the other hand i always appreciated the little things he would do to show his affection; leaving notes and little drawings in my books for me to find later, emails and text messages just telling me that he was thinking on me, giving me a lonely planet book after i had briefly mentioned dreaming about visiting a specific place, bringing me magazines and fruit when i was sick and home alone…
little gestures that shows you are caring and paying attention (not proving yourself as a "gentleman") truly brings another dimension to a relationship.
February 2, 2010 at 8:12 pm
I'm so out of it in the mornings that I barely function at all before coffee. So much so, in fact, that I only recently realized that my husband puts my coffee in the shower on the mornings where he has to try to wake me up a second time. It's cute to think that he tries to do things for me like preventing me getting shampoo in my eyes.
February 2, 2010 at 8:24 pm
I personally believe that my generation has neglected the importance of manners, for the culture we live in simply does not call for it. (I should also mention that I am 16 years old). This may be because I do not live in a large metropolis but in a relatively small city. Nevertheless, simple gestures, as other writers have mentioned, are ignored completely. Even something as mundane as eating properly or making eye contact while speaking is overlooked. People that are similar in age to myself believe that manners are passe, and that they are relics of the past in which our parents generations lived. However, I feel as if society has become to casual, especially in North America. So while I was reading this blog, it was thoroughly refreshing to hear someone place some much importance on the subject of manners. Finally, one can always dress like a gentlemen; however, it is those that posses a natural elegance that are truly respectable and even stylish.
February 2, 2010 at 8:25 pm
when I flew from Mexico to Germany to see my boyfriend, we went and visit his brother in Sweden, where I realised I only had 50 EUR for the next 3 days and one extra day in Amsterdam. While washing the dishes, he asked me how he could help. I asked him to check for me a hotel in Amsterdam. Surprisingly, he said to me, he had already booked the hotel for me which was just a few steps away from the airport and another few steps away from the central train station. Additionally, had paid it already saying that he didn't want me windowshopping at Amsterdam.
Ich liebe mein Freund !
February 2, 2010 at 8:35 pm
when i was in my early twenties, i dated a man with lovely manners. an example – we were in a buffet line at a dinner party, and my date, who was behind me in line, leaned in to take the last two pieces of fish in the chafing dish. i was puzzled – until his friend told me he'd done that so that i would get fresh, hot fish when the dish was refilled (which was seconds later).
i would've been fine with the "old" fish, so that gesture blew me away.
holding doors open, walking on the outside on sidewalks, waiting for the hostess (or me) to eat, letting me order first, sending thank-you notes – all those things impress.
i always compliment a man who is gracious and has good manners. i like to reinforce that behavior.
February 2, 2010 at 8:36 pm
"to simply be a more graceful man for my graceful woman."
This so sweet, it made me smile and think of my man. He notices me every time I walk into a room, a party, or anywhere within his field of view. His hypersensitivity to my presence makes my heart flutter today, same is it did 24 years ago.
February 2, 2010 at 8:39 pm
I've been with my husband, whose name happens to be Scott, for over 30 years and nearly every day he makes a lovely comment on my beauty, clothing, figure etc, we now have 2 sons who comfortably and confidently comment on a woman's beauty or elegance and my favourite…. he makes me laugh everyday.
February 2, 2010 at 8:43 pm
I love that Mike is always quick to offer his favorite sweatshirt and slippers when I stay at his place; he knows I'm always cold!
February 2, 2010 at 9:15 pm
I'm not in a relationship and I'm only seventeen, but I found this post and the comments to be so inspiring and cute, a few made my eyes well up. (just a bit.) I rarely comment on blogs, I think that this is the second time I have written on your blog and I have been reading your blog for quite some time, but this post really made me happy for the things that will come and reminded me to be a little more graceful, say thank you more often, and acknowledge all the nice and kind things my guy friends and strangers do for me.
Thank you. =D
FABIO who ?
February 2, 2010 at 9:18 pm
My X-boyfriend was such a gentleman, he and I are not the flamboyant type but I loved that he open the car door every time, even after courting each other till the very end. I miss that, and hope to find some one who has manners and grace. That goes along way with me.
February 2, 2010 at 9:32 pm
Perusing my library I found a copy of Peter Post's (of the Emily Post Institute) Essential Manners for Men – what to do, when to do it and why.
It's from 2003, but an online search should turn up a copy for you.
Thank you. I start my day off by Sartorializing.
February 2, 2010 at 9:39 pm
My fiance is just wonderful… surprising me with dinner, letting me sleep in when he has to wake up early and one of the best was when we were traveling this summer and I was sick of carrying the tote bag (yep, sorry, a tote bag), he took it for me with no complaint, and he's not a bag-carrying kind of guy. There's a million more little things he does, but those really stick out in my mind.
February 2, 2010 at 9:40 pm
In torrential rainstorms – and we have many here in the tropics – he leaves his work early to pick me up at my office door, and takes me to my car, so I won't get wet when running to the parking lot across the street from where I work.
February 2, 2010 at 9:48 pm
I think of how my father has always walked on the outside of the sidewalk when we walk together. And how my mother often drops off some food for me (I just finished eating a bowl of the soup she made and dropped off).
It's the care — the taking care, the unasked-for kind of care. Expressions of true caring. Making clear that thinking of me is second nature, as is wanting me to be safe and nourished.
These are acts of grace from my parents, not a romantic partner, but ones I would appreciate (and have appreciated in other relationships; for example, one boyfriend always made sure to keep my favorite cereal in his kitchen).
February 2, 2010 at 9:56 pm
At the movie theatre, my sweetie put his arm along the armrest on my side so that it would be more comfortable to lean into. It was very subtle, but I noticed it right away and it melted my heart.
He also never misses a chance to help me put on my coat or to open my car door. And every time I arrive at his door, he tells me how gorgeous I look!
February 2, 2010 at 9:59 pm
He is graceful, gentle, giving, and so much more….
- Go through the fridge with me and throw out stuff.- Peels tangerine for me in the morning.- Prepares amazing dinner with so much thought and craft.- Tie the scarf around me a few times when it is wicked cold out.- Motivates me to run when I don't want to.- I know deep down he wants only the best for me.
All these are priceless to me.
February 2, 2010 at 10:00 pm
Instead of saying, "That dress looks nice on you" my dear boyfriend says, "You make that dress look great."
I appreciate all the little things he does, even I don't always tell him that I do. I will never miss that opportunity again. <3
February 2, 2010 at 10:04 pm
What a lovely post and inspiring comments! I kept wanting to "like" the comments (as you can on Facebook)!
My boyfriend and I are both at a very competitive law school together. It i such a cut-throat environment, but since I've known him, he has always always been so supportive. The other day I complained about having some bad dreams. And after 12 hours at the library, I came home (exhausted) to find taped to my door, a dream catcher with a note that said "sweet dreams, baby." Even when we are bogged down with work he still finds time to be wonderful… I'm very lucky.
Thank you for this lovely post! Felicitations a Garance et toi! The love you two share is contagious!
February 2, 2010 at 10:06 pm
My boyfriend and I grew up together (I was his first kiss). We've been dating for 4.5 years, and he has put up with my moving to six different cities in two different continents. I think I have gypsey in my bloodline, this means lots of long distance time. Recently he moved into a new apartment (I sadly wasn't there to help him move). The first thing he did in the new apartment was to tear through four boxes searching for a picture of us from Madrid that I framed for him. It was the first thing put up in the new house. "It didn't feel like my place without you in it."
February 2, 2010 at 10:32 pm
When my Grandma died, my then fiancé (now husband) took over all the food needs for my family. We had to leave our home city to be with my Grandad. He just got my Grandad's car keys, went to the market, cooked the food and cleaned it up. He offered cups of tea and stayed through the really hard moments. He put everyone else's grief before his own needs. It was very classy, and my mom commented later how much it meant to her. That's love!
February 2, 2010 at 10:35 pm
thank you for this post. i know there is no photo here, but this is still my most favorite post you've made.
personally, a woman's gracefulness is the most attractive characteristic. they way she walks, the way she speaks, the way she composes herself, you can tell about her personality from that.
i hope you delve into this topic more, i'd love to read what everyone else has to contribute.
February 2, 2010 at 10:48 pm
This is a movement. Having grown tired of how slovenly and discourteous our culture has become, I just up and decided that 2010 would be, for me, the Year of the Gentleman.
I love that you've posted this particular blog entry, and to see all the other "Gentleman" blogs springing up. Or perhaps, they've always been there, and it's just my own little awakening. Regardless, I have hope.
I'm on a very strict diet, doctor's orders, and can't have sugar or flour, among other things. My sweetheart went far out of his way to bring me a piece of sugarless, flourless cheesecake from a bakery I love on the other side of the city. It was delicious, and so is he!
February 2, 2010 at 10:49 pm
How thoughtful! And though I am not gay, I appreciated your being open minded. That gesture is very much like a true gentleman!
February 2, 2010 at 11:01 pm
When I fall asleep on my boyfriend (because I'm the more narcoleptic of us two, and he is very warm), he doesn't wake me up
February 2, 2010 at 11:02 pm
it's interesting to me that the most gentleman-ly thing my husband does is something that would not really have fit the "definition" of a gentlemen even a generation before … he helps me raise our son in every way! Wakes up with him, changes his diapers, feeds him his bottles – basically whatever I do, he does too when he is not at work.
When my son was born my mom came to town to help us and my husband called her from Babies R Us to ask what type of fabric the crib sheets should be and my mom just about fainted because even though my dad is a great guy — he was not calling my mom from the baby store after his kids were born!
xo holier than now
February 2, 2010 at 11:07 pm
Small acts of kindness from my gentleman:
Giving me handmade cards referencing our favorite contemporary artist,
Always making sure that I'm on the inner part of the sidewalk when we take walks in the city,
Making sure that we talk through my concerns and worries even when he's down with a cold on the other side of the Atlantic,
Calling me to say hi and tell me that he misses me even if he's busy and on his way to a meeting,
Taking a specific walking route at night in the Upper East Side to show me the Met from his favorite angle…
…there are so many more, and I'll just have to say that I am lucky.
Wow, you have an amazing gift – you take such beautiful pictures and share such beautiful words & thoughts with us. Thank you, you've brighten up my dull day at work.
My boyfriend is one of the nicest people I know. One example – when we're at a dinner with friends, he waits until my girlfriends and I have served ourselves food before he serves his. He knows that my friends and I are such foodies, so wants us to get the best parts first. I love him.
Thanks for a great post x
February 2, 2010 at 11:08 pm
I know a man who walks in Grace. He poured half his wine into a glass for me when we could not get the waiter's attention to order a glass – that was the second time I had met him. He really knows how to generously receive a gift by thanking the giver for the thought behind the gift, favor, whatever was given, and he does so promptly, let's you know how the gift will be remembered, used and what it means to him. He returned a vase last week that I had taken to a dinner party at his house but he brought a bouquet of flowers much bigger than the vase could hold saying one cannot return a vase without bringing flowers. In public, he moves with purpose but thoughtfully – as if to consider all sharing the space. HIs "manner" is gentle and compassionate and such a part of who he is as a man.
February 2, 2010 at 11:16 pm
I just adore this post! I had a boyfriend who shared my passion for elegant clothes. And whenever we were together, he deliberately wore the most beautiful things he owned because he knew I would notice them. It was so romantic. He was very well mannered in other ways as well, he was never late and always offered his arm to me when we were walking together and I had on high heels. It really is the little things.
February 2, 2010 at 11:21 pm
A week ago while out shopping, I showed my man a sweet little stainless pan that is used to melt butter. While I coveted the pan, I didn't think to buy it for myself. Two days later, he came in the door and surprised me with it! As a popcorn fanatic, this gift will be well loved and well used. It sounds like such a simple thing, but like the story you shared from the TV show, it is a shining example of how well he knows me and how it's often these little things that mean the most. Like Garance, I am a lucky girl.
February 2, 2010 at 11:22 pm
I was so warmed by reading the original post as well as all of the comments. As a server in a restaurant, I had just brought coffee to one of my favorite elderly couples. As I stood chatting with the wife for a moment, the husband put cream and sugar into his wife's coffee cup and stirred it. This image has always stayed with me as one of those tiny graces that make up a lasting love.
February 2, 2010 at 11:23 pm
While my boyfriend is wonderful to me. What I love to watch is how wonderful he is to people we don't know. Just last night, he helped an older gent, that was not in the best way, across the street. It was beyond beautiful and grace at it's finest. Grace…One of my favorite words.Thank you!
February 2, 2010 at 11:24 pm
i think of heart felt kindness in the simpliest form such as 'making sure that i have white casablancas in my apartment every week to remind me of his love when we are apart.
February 2, 2010 at 11:28 pm
A surprise "to-go" dessert when leaving the restaurant. I was training for a marathon and always hungry . . .
February 2, 2010 at 11:29 pm
a favorite of many graceful moments…a random text saying "I want to hear all about your night. p.s. i LOVE your laugh"
February 2, 2010 at 11:39 pm
Thank you for a lovely post. I have been visiting your blog regularly for a long time and I was moved by this entry. I hope you post more like it. Thank you!
February 2, 2010 at 11:50 pm
As far as American manners go, there's nothing (gay or straight) like a man raised in a certain culture of the Deep South. There's a very specific kind of shyly insistent gallantry that's so attractive. Being Southern, I've used this to my advantage all over the world! It's absolutely disarming to a certain kind of world weary European. Works every time (a-hem)!
February 2, 2010 at 11:59 pm
I'm always the first to say, "Chivalry isn't dead, it's just on life support." I make it a habit to act like a gentleman as frequently as possible, but I have to say that some women need to act more like ladies. Women shouldn't expect chivalry if they don't exhibit lady-hood.
Great post. It relates perfectly to my blog!
February 3, 2010 at 12:08 am
Lovely post, and so true. Thanks for thinking of your gay readers. I for one appreciate it. Grace and Gentleness transcend gender or orientation as does a sense of style.
February 3, 2010 at 12:21 am
1) when we cross the road and he stands in the direction of the oncoming traffic then switch to the other side when e traffic flows turn tide.
2) always opening doors for me.
3) grabbing his jacket from his room when we go out, in case i'll be cold.
you're right, scott, it's the little actions that say a lot.
February 3, 2010 at 12:30 am
One of the many things that impresses me about a gentleman I know – whenever I meet him and his friends out, he gets up from his chair, heads toward me, gives me a kiss and says, "hey sweetie". Simple, elegant, lovely – I cherish the greeting each time.
February 3, 2010 at 12:32 am
There was a time several years ago when I was having some major health worries and I came out from my job to find that a young male co-worker had cleaned a heavy snowfall off my car.
I stood there and wept from the sheer kindness of his gesture.
February 3, 2010 at 12:46 am
My husband always brings me my favorite snacks when I am studying, always brings foods/wines home when coming back from business trips, and always does the groceries… yes, food is the way to my heart =)
February 3, 2010 at 12:57 am
Hmmm well my boyfriend has deserted me this Valentines Day for the cricket…Chivalry is officially dead….in Australia anyway.
February 3, 2010 at 1:08 am
He makes me grilled cheese sandwiches when I'm sad or stressed and cuts them on the diagonal for me because he knows I like them better that way. And when he knows that I need to smile, he makes this silly face that always makes me laugh, even though he knows it makes him look ridiculous.
It really is all about paying attention and being in tune to your partner's needs. Sometimes, he teases me and says that he's not listening, but he remembers every detail that I say. He knows my quirks, and knows what every expression I make means. He sometimes knows what I need before I do. And that's the most wonderful, graceful thing a man can do. It's not the big things, it's the showing that you care and that you have made a place in your life for them things.
February 3, 2010 at 1:10 am
My boyfriend will let me warm my hands on his stomach when I'm cold. It's really the most adorable thing ever because he cringes every time. I'm really so lucky to have found him; he's the most gentlemanly guy I've ever met.
February 3, 2010 at 1:18 am
This is a lovely, inspiring post. I'm a woman who has not yet been lucky enough to find her true love and life partner. These comments remind me of the qualities that are truly important in a partner: consideration, thoughtfulness, kindness.
I think you're an excellent, eloquent writer, but you do tend to make some common writing errors. Sorry, I worked as a proofreader for many years, and errors in a piece of good writing are like ink smudges on the Mona Lisa to me. "Blogging at it's best" should be "Blogging at its best" (no apostrophe). The first commenter was correct: "Us men might learn" should be "We men might learn" since "we men" is the subject of the sentence.
February 3, 2010 at 1:29 am
1/ if we're in the car and he suddenly needs to press the break, he moves he's hand towrds making sure i won't get hurt
2/ always ordering dessert (picking what he knows i love best)so i can have a bite or two
3/bringing me cofee to bed every morning
4/ waking up with the kids on weekend making sure they won't make a lot of noise so i can sleep late
what a gentleman ….:)
February 3, 2010 at 1:31 am
Best.Post.Ever.My husband and I went to school in the cold cold state of Utah. In the winters he would heat up my towel in the dryer while I was in the shower. As soon as he heard the shower turn off he would quickly take out the towel, run to the bathroom, and hand me a soft, warm towel. The first time it was so unexpected I almost cried. That is one of the many daily things he does for me.
One more: I love the Foodnetwork and it's all I watch. He is sick of it but everytime he watches television by himself, before he turns off the television he first turns it to the Foodnetwork so that when I turn it on it'll be at the "right" station.
Another one: I hate having the bed made. It just distresses me how unwelcoming a made bed is. So when he makes the bed he leaves my side partially open so that it feels more inviting. Again, one of the many things. Man, I could write a book.
February 3, 2010 at 1:39 am
A beautiful post. Exactly why I tell everyone to read this blog!
My Dad sets the standard for me for being a gentleman. The basics of opening doors, helping me with anything I ask, listening. Treating all women with respect. I have never heatd my father speak a harsh word to anyone.
A male friend made an impact at on me. We were purely platonic, but at end of year assessment time at University he knew I was freaked and stressed so made me a card wishing me well, telling me I was talented and that he knew I would go well and hand delivering it . . . . . an hour away from where he lived.
4 years later – still have it, still makes me smile.
My husband always helps me into my coat. But what makes it special is he always gently pulls my hair out after. That subtle touch always made me feel insanley loved and cherished.
February 3, 2010 at 1:57 am
Oh goodness where do I start.
- the way he leaves a note on my pillow if he has to be somewhere later or early for work telling me I look so cute when I'm asleep.
- the way he speaks about me to other people. So many guys speak so terribly about their partners, I think mine builds me up TOO much!
- if he's playing a computer game, he stops if I walk into the room.
- he leaves the toilet seat down – I don't even care about that stuff and have told him so – but he leaves it down anyway.
- he notices when I like something in a shop and runs and buys it later and surprises me with it. Nothing major, just a chocolate, or a cake, maybe a scarf. I love it.
- he talks. We talk. We talk and talk and talk and we've been together for almost 10 years now.
- He holds doors for me, puts his arm around me, insists on the carrying the shopping in spite of my protests.
I don't really mind about traditional 'gentlemanly' stuff, I don't expect it, and I really hate it when men make a big show of opening the door for me – I do believe it can be overdone, but with my man, it all just comes so naturally to him, like breathing. Oh I love him so much!
February 3, 2010 at 2:46 am
This is a lovely post! People tend to say that older people are more graceful than younger ones in general and I guess this is because Grace isn't something one can just learn. It comes from living, it comes from observing, it comes from being thoughtful… It is shown by how we walk, how we talk and what we talk about… To be a truly graceful man/woman, we need to be considerate and Scott, you've shown that you are by including the last paragraph in your post. Thank you!
Yey! This stream of appreciation is amazing! I IMAGINE that when you read 'Garance is lucky' you are thinking, 'I am the lucky one'! I personally adore you both & feel happy for your happiness.
My husband has always done countless thoughtful things for me like cooking (gourmet meals) 90% of the time, making me laugh every day, doing awesomely stupid dances (something he's adapted from me, but adapted with his own style), but also noteworthy is the fact that as the least vein man I've ever met he takes a sincere interest in my obsession with fashion and for the holidays bought me The Sartorialist book. He's the best.
February 3, 2010 at 3:10 am
The most amazing thing about this post, apart from it oozing with warmth, is the fact that it's a post that doesn't come with a drop dead gorgeous image, and yet people are still reading the words. Who says that literacy is dead in our age of SMS and smiley icons?
February 3, 2010 at 3:32 am
when i go out with my husband on his bike, my helmet is usually kept under the seat, which is right next to the engine. Upon returning to the bike, he'll take out my helmet and cool the inside of it by beating it vigorously (thus releasing the heat) before handing it over to me. so sweet!
My man – a husband of three and a partner of almost 11 years – apart from zillion other graceful and meaningful things he does every day, remembered my feet get awfully cold during winter nights which sometimes prevents me from sleeping properly and brought in a pair of socks to bed last night – a sight that made us both laugh so hard until we almost woke up our 15-month old daughter. Ever since we've had a child, the bond between us is even tighter and the number of unforgettable things he does for me ever day even bigger. I feel truly blessed. Thanks Sart for this post!
February 3, 2010 at 3:55 am
He remembers things.
That I can't walk in heels, so he will drop me off right in front of the venue. How I like my toast for breakfast and makes it his business to serve it exactly so. Noticed how much I liked a certain limited edition garment that was sold out and spent 4 months charming/hassling the shop owner until she caved in and asked the designer to make ONE more, and he then gave it to me for my birthday.
Making me happy, really makes him happy (and vice versa, for the record). I guess that makes grace, good manners and thoughtfulness come naturally.
Great, great post.x
February 3, 2010 at 4:11 am
i've known a close guy friend for almost a year now (well a year in may). for us it's close to impossible to even consider being more than friends – and it's not something we've ever discussed either.
yet we spend a lot of time together, go places together, eat, accompany each other, and i sleep over almost every weekend. people around us no doubt thinks we've got something going on already.
anyway, i really appreciate having a friend like him. and mind you, one doesn't have to be in a romantic relationship with someone to appreciate the little things.
we took a cab the other day. the driver was going pretty fast around the corners and made tiny me fly all over the place. so he grabbed my hand and brought me to him. and held it. and didn't let go. i thought in my mind how awkward it could feel but it wasn't. and then i fell asleep. and he was still holding my hand.
we got out of the cab, and then stopped to have some ice cream on the way back to his place.
so i am rethinking. guys, would you ever hold on to a girl friend's hand for so long like that?
Christina Helen Drake
February 3, 2010 at 4:14 am
I was on the phone to my boyfriend after a particularly hard day at work, and was feeling glum. I could hear the 'beep beep' of another call coming through on his end, and he asked if he could call me back.
Ten minutes later the doorbell rang and there he was, saying: "You said you needed a hug."
February 3, 2010 at 4:36 am
My father is actually the truest gentleman I know. When a woman sits at or leaves the table, he rises from his seat until she is settled or off. It's somehow not awkard, or contrived, just a little motion of care.
Enia Is (Almost) Here
February 3, 2010 at 4:46 am
finding letters in my mailbox whenever he felt inspired to share something, making sure i am away from the road when we cross, leaving a note under my pillow when i have an early morning start and he leaves after me, scheduling in a day in bed with champagne when he has work to do…
February 3, 2010 at 4:50 am
The man I've just started seeing is an absolute gem… he invited me to visit him toward the end of an extended trip up north, so we could drive down together on our first road trip (which he let me DJ the entire time).
But more than that, he mailed me a hand-drawn picture of us in this new city, and sent it overnight so it would get to me before I left.
He is the first true gentleman I've dated, and tonight he asked if I'd told anyone about my new boy, to which I responded, "You mean man, right? You treat me like a lady, and that makes you a man."
February 3, 2010 at 5:00 am
My lover often brings me little gifts, which I cherish because they mean that he is thinking of me throughout the day. But the act that I find most romantic is when he comes home with flowers for our small apartment: it's classic, thoughtful, and always appropriate.
February 3, 2010 at 5:05 am
agree agree agree. Thank you Scott. Blogging at its best – I also agree! It's not always such a constructive medium. It's good to see it working.
February 3, 2010 at 5:16 am
it's never wrong to try to become a better man/woman each day…and it's even more noble if you don't do it for yourself but for the ones you love!like jack nicholson said in "as goog as it gets":you make me want to be a better man. this is what love is about!and if you can become someone better, by better manners or simply listening to the thing people tell you (between the lines)- love will grow…
February 3, 2010 at 5:22 am
when we go out for dinner and i ordered something with vegetables on which i don't like or chillies,bacon or anything i won't eat…he just takes it on his plate, without commenting it.i love the fact he knows excactly what i'll eat and what i hate and that he doesn't bother eating 4 chillies in a row just to see me smile…:)
February 3, 2010 at 5:36 am
I was in a furniture store buying a flat-pack bookcase which was really heavy. As I struggled to lift it onto the trolley, people walked past blindly, until one guy stopped to help while his girlfriend looked on proudly. 'Any more?' he asked when we were done.
February 3, 2010 at 5:52 am
I have a great book on manners from the fifties (it is in German, though, so there might be no reason in recommending it – still, whoever cares it's "Das 1×1 des Guten Tons" by Gertrude Oheim). Even just reading it, I instantly felt better and confident about myself (it is amazing what posture does to your confidence). From my own experience, I am telling you, there is nothing more reassuring then knowing how to behave when entering a restaurant, a party or a business meeting. All this knowledge is worth more than any great dress. Even better, now you know how to pull off that great dress!I usually give a guy some time, like say we're in a car, I would stay in my seat and wait just those 5 to 10 seconds he spends getting out and walking around the car. If he "remembers" to open the door for me, that's great! If he doesn't, no big deal, I'll just get out and meet him at my door so we can walk up to wherever we're headed together. The same goes for any other situation where doors should be opened for you, …coats lifted of your shoulders, …chairs pulled back so you can sit down, etc…
Here are some rules from the book which I really liked/think are cute:
#on stairs: when descending, the man always walks in front of the woman, so that if she falls he could catch her, and the other way around when ascending.
#on the street/pavement: the man always walks on the side closest to "danger", meaning he walks next to the cars on the street while the woman walks along the shops (and can gaze into their windows).
#when entering a bar: The guy walks in first (to protect the girl – the book is very vague here about what to protect her from but it is nevertheless the gesture that counts when it comes to manners – isn't it?)but holds the door open for her from the inside.And again, the other way around when leaving.
#invitations etc.:when receiving an invitation you should always thank the person for inviting you when rsvp-ing. And then you thank your host(s) again some days after the event and let them know you had a good time.
…I could go on for ever.
To all you girls, I absolutely adore Diana Vreeland! For me she is the epitome of the modern, stylish and educated woman. I recommend reading anything by or on her!
February 3, 2010 at 6:26 am
My boyfriend does many lovely things for me all year round and here are just a few:
He put a new hook on the back of his door so I could hang my dressing gownHe rinses away the shampoo from behind my earsHe blow dried my hair when I was too sick to hold up the hair drierHe puts petrol in my carHe makes me a cup of tea every morning
He's one in a million and a true gent :o)
February 3, 2010 at 6:31 am
I absolutly love the way my dad still does the little things for my mom after 34 years of marriage:- he picks a flower when he takes a walk with the dog and gave it to her afterwards- he cuts out little hearts from the daily-news and leaves them at her seat, so that she sees them when she has breakfast.
February 3, 2010 at 6:47 am
What a beautiful post. I am blessed to be married to the most wonderful man. You are right, women notice the smallest things. I love the way my husband welcomes me when I come home with a big hug and kiss (I work farther from home), the way he asks the kids to stay quiet when i am taking a nap, the way he reaches out and holds my hand wherever and whenever, the way he says I am beautiful no matter how I look that day, the way he tells our daughters to make sure to marry someone who loves them as much as he loves me. I am a better person because of his kindness and love. I can write a million things about the love of my life, G. I can only be grateful that I said yes when he proposed. Best decision of my life.
February 3, 2010 at 6:59 am
my last boyfriend used to slide little notes under the door after leaving the house in the morning. it could be a little poem he'd read somewhere or just a reminder of how beautiful my smile makes me. but what really made it fun is that i could acknowledge his efforts and try to find a way to do something unexpected for him. i think he realized even more how much i loved him for the little things because i tried to do the same for him.
February 3, 2010 at 7:05 am
Oh, and by the by, Prince Asfa-Wossen Asserate of Ethiopia has written a very entertaining book about manners. I am not sure as to whether it is available in English, but your German readers should definitely check it out.
February 3, 2010 at 7:07 am
Really lovely post Scott, put a smile on my face this morning. The little kindness that immediately sprang to mind upon reading:
After the first night I spent with my boyfriend, he made me breakfast (Irish style, complete with steaming hot cup of tea, made to my requirements). The next night we stayed together, he got up to make us both some tea… and he remembered exactly how I take my tea.
It was the tiniest little thing, but showed such thoughtfulness and that he had really paid attention first time round. So so lovely…
February 3, 2010 at 7:10 am
The most beautiful post I have read on a blog. Polly
February 3, 2010 at 8:02 am
Almost every morning my ex would come into the bathroom when he knew I was done showering with a fresh glass of orange juice and when I was done in the bathroom he would have a cup of coffee waiting. In return, whenever I got up first, I would wake him up with a cup of coffee on the bedside table.
And when I came up to his place after work, he would have a cup of tea waiting for me with just the right amount of milk in it..
I love your blog and read it every day. The pictures are so inspiring and tell stories not only of the clothes, but the people as well. Thank you!
February 3, 2010 at 8:03 am
After 13 years of marriage, my husband still makes my coffee every morning, does the dinner dishes, and lays on my side of the bed to warm it up on cold nights.
February 3, 2010 at 8:25 am
My husband always moves whatever is in the middle of the table to the side – so he can reach across the table and hold my hand when there are no plates between us.
For the most part, my husband is a sports loving, action film watching, scotch drinking kind of guy. Every once in awhile he takes some time out from all that and steps into my world. He's humored me by going to quilt shows, taking a weaving class and he watches Project Runway with me every Thursday night. I always appreciate these little anachronisms.
February 3, 2010 at 8:35 am
i think it is easy to criticize and "not see" somewhat inconsequential graceful acts. but surely grace is relative. and then maybe, more importantly, it is about recognising grace in all it's forms.
February 3, 2010 at 8:44 am
My dear boyfriend once wrote on the back of a gum wrapper "The most beautiful girl, with hair like sunrays" and passed it to me, as a note.So subtle. So sweet.
February 3, 2010 at 8:58 am
I loved this post. I have to tell you I love you and Garance as a couple, it is like I'm living a romantic novel. Love it.My hubby has the same gentlemanly intentions. He makes sure to kiss me good night always, kiss me good bye in the mornings, and when I cook he always helps me with the dishes, even if I say "I got it" . His care for his appearance extends to his care for how people perceive him, including me. he wants to be the best he can be.I couldn't ask for a better man!
February 3, 2010 at 9:02 am
Your talk about grace brought tears to my eyes. Every word you speak is true, but so easy to forget or not allow ourselves time to practice. While reading your piece my late mother, a former model, who showed me style and grace came to mind. I will always remember her every detail. Her long red wavy hair, brilliant blue eyes, standing at nearly 5' 10 inches and every inch the impeccable woman. Everything she did was graceful, from the way she arranged our middle class home to the way she cooked and presented our meals, to the holiday parties she gave, to the way she dressed me for school or play every day of my young life. She taught me about investment pieces, and she began to purchase these pieces for me when I reached my early twenties. Looking back, it was she who decided when I was old enough to "get it" regarding fashion and how to put one's self together. She taught me about fine fabrics, cobblers, tailors, the importance of a great not just good trench coat, the way seams should be sewed and how this shows the mark of a well made garment. It goes on and on. I still have many pieces of her costume jewelry that I wear on a regular basis, and several classic pieces of apparel purchased some 30 years ago that I can wear today because they are timeless. As timeless as she was. Thank you for making this day an extra special day for me.
February 3, 2010 at 9:34 am
Just about every day I reflect on how lucky I am to have the warm and considerate partner I do. His small acts of kindness are too numerous to list… It’s a way of life for him, and not just towards me. However, I notice that some people mistake his kindness for weakness and come to expect and take for granted his thoughtful nature. I see how that wounds him and worry that his capacity to give to others will diminish. We’ve been together for 12 years and it has yet to wane, but still… I wish others would acknowledge and even emulate his subtle altruistic (and oh-so manly) nature. I tell him often just how sweetly disarming his gestures are to me. I’m so lucky. Thanks for starting this conversation.
February 3, 2010 at 9:41 am
Lovely post Scott.Long ago I had a relationship with a man who got miffed because I was using his razor on my legs.Later I met the man who became, and still is, the love of my life. Not too long after we met I asked to use his razor and his answer: "Let me go get you a good one, I used this one".At that moment I knew he was something special. He thought my legs more delicate than his face.
February 3, 2010 at 9:58 am
I remember I was once impressed when I met this boy in the street and he took his sunglasses off before we started talking. It might sound banal, but living in Italy -where some people wear sunglasses even when it rains- it was actually surprisingly kind and caring.
February 3, 2010 at 10:10 am
Well,one thing is sure,you must righ more often on your blog!Your opinions and insights are interesting,the way you right them even more. Art is a verry undifined thing,it lays in a picture,a word,a feeling,…Please keep sharing yours with us.
February 3, 2010 at 10:11 am
I don't have an extensive experience on men but my dad comes at the top in terms of grace. Lately I asked him buy 501 Arabic Verbs for me and send to my college room. He did. When the book arrived it was covered with clear plastic film. Dad treats his books with special care so he did the same for my book, I thought and placed it on the shelf. Sometime later I was studying it and when I closed it noticed something at the back cover. Dad has printed my full name in English and Arabic with the fonts and color matching the book and tucked it inside the clear film. So it just looked like a custom made 501 Arabic for me. I felt so bad because I noticed it so late. I'm trying to be more attentive now.
Thank you Mr. Schuman,
It is thoughtful, kind people like yourself that make the world a lovely place. You could not be more right! I too strive to be better to all of the people in my life, one small, caring gesture at a time.
As for my boyfriend, he is the epitome of grace; after years of searching for someone who could truly love deeply and share that love with everyone (not just me!), I finally found him. He has renewed my faith in humankind!
Let's keep striving to be graceful, one act at a time, and hope it spreads like wildfire!
Lester Bryant III
February 3, 2010 at 10:32 am
This was a very nice post! I might add that grace and manner should be practiced in all of our relationships; romantic, personal, casual and professional. We need to understand that we are not in the world alone. I believe that it should not be considered "special" to extend grace to another. It should be as natural as breathing.
February 3, 2010 at 10:35 am
Lovely piece! Those details make all the difference :). For one Valentine`s Day i was on holiday in Peru and i was typing an email for my boyfriend of that time and he was online from the computer of my house cause he decided to go for a visit and say hi to my family. He told me he wanted to feel me a little bit closer so he went to my house to share with my family and to see if he was able to get a bit of my smell. So cute!
February 3, 2010 at 10:36 am
before we even started dating, my husband would always carry my bags at the airport when we traveled – now that we're married, he still does. he washes the breakfast dishes and makes the bed each morning (i leave for work before he does), so the house is tidy when i come home.
February 3, 2010 at 10:40 am
when i was in paris visiting my boyfriend, he would need to leave in the morning to go to class and i would sleep. one morning i woke up and went out on the balcony of the apartment with a friend of mine for coffee. i looked down onto the narrow parisian street and he had written 'I LOVE YOU' in huge letters taking up the entire width of the street. it almost made me cry, in a good way.
February 3, 2010 at 10:48 am
oh, and another, if that's alright :) one night i went out to grab a baguette, when i came back he was sitting on my bed drawing on some random receipt that'd been in his pocket, on each side he'd written 'je t'aime' and 'i love you' in different designs, he's a great drawer. maybe he was just doing it because he was bored and it was something to do, probably thought nothing of it, but now when i really miss him i take it out of the book he was drawing it on (mary, nabokov) and i'm just happy that even though the distance is killer, you don't find the right person just anywhere.
February 3, 2010 at 10:52 am
Absolutely loved the post. Especially the part where you admit shoes, clothes or success weren't your biggest obsession but rather, it was being a more graceful man for you woman.
I think that the kindest thing my boyfriend does is make my life a hell of a lot easier. We're both in college still and are constantly swamped with work to do. Since his time management skills are superior to mine, he helps me out with little chores around my apartment if I'm too busy. I once came home to find him washing my dishes so "I wouldn't have to later" and instead just study for a huge final.
It's really simple things like that, that make me smile and feel so lucky to have an amazing boyfriend. Sometimes the sweetest, most intuitive gestures are the most memorable :)
February 3, 2010 at 10:56 am
A truly wonderful post, equalled by the only by the lovely comments.
Being a self-proclaimed gentleman it is gratifying to know that all our partners appreciate these small acts of grace.
Personally the lady in my life just inspires me to want to be a better man.
February 3, 2010 at 11:07 am
He does so many things for me that it's difficult to chose only one:
When I moved into my new apartment he installed dimmers in all of the lights and installed a new device for me: a Roku box that streams Netflix.
When I burned my hand on my designer teapot, a new electric one arrived the next day.
Wow, am I lucky.
Thank you for this post. I get very frustrated when I see how some of my close girlfriends are treated by their significant others.
Grace by definition is devine unmerited assistance, meaning grace is given freely to those who may or may not deserve it. My husband has shown me this type of grace throughout our 10 years together. Most recently I have been planning a rock climbing trip with a girlfriend to Red Rocks Canyon. I was so frustrated using some of the online booking sites that he asked to handle to make the accommodations for us. I gave him the budget we would like to spend which was very small considering my friend was left high and dry as a single mother a year ago. He sent us back our confirmations and had went ahead a booked a stay at a really swanky place and paid the extra for us to have a canyon view spot. He also went ahead and paid for everything and said he wanted us to get our sleep and be able to see the beautiful canyon we would be climbing in.
I love that my husband has a beautiful heart. He gives not only to our family but he searches out ways to help others and care for them.
And now I am ready to go climbing :)
My best friend/roommate's grace and thoughtfulness still top those of every man I have dated; he meets me at the airport with flowers and my favorite drink, he leaves notes on my door and sends me encouraging text messages when he knows I am having a tough day, he compliments me often (and I know he means it), he remembers my friends' names (friends who live in another state and he has never met!) and he makes an effort to keep in touch with my family. He is always the one with a great idea for something fun to do when I'm in a slump, he always buys my favorite treats and tea, and he always greets me warmly and seems so pleased to see me– even if it has only been a matter of hours since we parted ways.These are only a few of the amazing things that I love him for. Most of all, I love him for reminding me that there are still people in the world for whom such little acts of kindness are second nature!
February 3, 2010 at 11:08 am
Simply saying "you're welcome" or "my pleasure" when someone thanks you for something. "No Problem" or "No worries" implies that what you did from them may have caused you some strife. Helping someone with something should be and is a pleasure.
"No problem" or "No worries" may be an ok response for an apology.
February 3, 2010 at 11:14 am
Did I include that he did both of these things without my asking?
February 3, 2010 at 11:19 am
I know my guy treats me wonderfully, but I am most impressed by the way he treats strangers. One night, back when we worked together, we went for a coffee break late at night to refuel. As we were walking out, he asked the guys at the front desk if he could bring them anything. Despite the fact that I was always friendly to everyone who worked with us from the cleaning lady to the CEO, I was surprised by this gesture and how naturally the offer rolled off his tongue. I didn't have a word for it at the time, but it was definitely grace.
February 3, 2010 at 11:22 am
In the 30 years I have known my husband, he has never failed to have a handkerchief at the ready whenever I needed it. I can't really tell you how tender this thought is to me.
Thank you for letting me consider this, how dear it is.
Have a wonderful Valentine's Day!
February 3, 2010 at 11:35 am
On monday morning I get up at 5,30 to go back to Milano where I work. My boyfriend gets up too, makes me coffee and hugs me, stays with me during breakfast and then goes back to bed. This happens after 5 years every monday. How graceful!
February 3, 2010 at 11:37 am
Have spent my first hour at work reading the posts and thinking about the many things my husband does for me (and others). Just a few:Proposed on bended knee in a Parisian rose garden.Left gifts and cards tucked away for me to find when he was travelling and I was taking difficult classes.Kind and sweet to my elderly, ailing parents. And is a good son to his mother.Regularly helped an elderly neighbor with her trash barrels.Watches figure skating with me.Takes care of many things around the house, including some not-so-pleasant plumbing issues.Sends funny jack-a-lope and armadillo postcards from his road trips to Texas.Makes the bed every morning.Stayed with me for 48 hours straight in the hospital before, during and after emergency surgery.Remembered a flamboyantly decorated cake I talked about admiring as a child. On my 40th birthday we “just so happened” to walk by the same bakery – and in the display case was that cake, with my name on it.Went above and beyond the call of duty by building decorations for an office Christmas party at my new job.I also see gracious gestures daily in my work life: men pausing for women to enter and exit the elevators, men allowing others to use the last bit of water in the water cooler, then replacing the big, heavy bottle for the next person, etc.
He gets up from the tablw when i do. and when i return he stands again till i sit. when people laugh at him he smiles and squeezes my hand. nothing rarer than a 22 year old gentleman.
Blon D. Troit
February 3, 2010 at 11:38 am
tres bien!! love is love….brilliant!
February 3, 2010 at 11:41 am
after 3yrs of dating a over 5yrs of marriage, my husband still opens the car door for me every time i get in the car. even now that we have a 2yo daughter, he'll open both our car doors before putting her in her car seat.
When you get up from a room where you're sitting together to refill your drink or grab a snack, simply say, "Can I get anything for you while I'm up?"
It's a simple way to show respect, love, caring, and sharing in one simple question.
February 3, 2010 at 11:42 am
I am in a long distance relationship. He is 7 hours behind me. Whenever I talk about the problems I face like I don't know how to fix this computer problem, I need find out that info, as I am speaking, he already googled and sent me the link. And he would give me a morning call at his night time and leave send sms so that first thing I wake up, I see a sweet message from him.
February 3, 2010 at 11:44 am
at the Anonymous 5.34 pm. This is useful as a gay reader too. It isn't one of us that acts like a gentleman, we both do. :)
your comment is lovely!
'Garance notices every little kindness I offer her'. Look, I don't want to be a total jerk, I mean I read your blog and think you are a pioneer in your own way. Yet I cannot not comment on this. Gentlemen don't expect to get the credit for having good manners. They just do it.
February 3, 2010 at 11:46 am
Wonderful post Scott ! Thank you and so lovely towards Garance, I am a fan of your couple !
February 3, 2010 at 11:48 am
among thousand other little things my man of 15 years warms up my car every morning … this simple thing is much bigger than just comfortable morning commute in the northeast
February 3, 2010 at 12:03 pm
Personally, I have never experienced a romantic gesture of that kind [luckily I'm still very young]. I've had it from friends, and it is sweet enough.
But due to the fact of my only relationships being quite disasterous, I've grown rather cynical. In a sociology class I took, we discussed love, and how it is an irrational concept, and most people don't find "true love" [the teacher was an absolute cynic as well].
There were times when I was hopeful about realtionships and love. When I was a couple on the street looking at eachother in a way that spoke volumes, or when I was at a resteraunt and, instead of sitting on opposite sides of a table, a couple sat on the same side of the booth.
But the cynic in me was always saying "he just wants to get into her pants" or something akin to that.
Not necessarily this post [lovely as it was], but the comments it has begot really have kind of opened my eyes. Rather than dreading being alone, I'm hopeful for whatever relationship I encounter next.
I only hope to be half as lucky as the people who've posted here are in love and relationships.
Thanks for the post, and all the stories that I've read to come along with it. :D
February 3, 2010 at 12:13 pm
Speaking of grace, manners & charm,these are subjects often covered on my blog-the Charm School Gazette. I will especially be addressing "courtly" behavior as it was referred to in the days of "courtiers". Coming soon in my February blog in honor of-or in preparation for Valentine's Day. I'll send it to you when it's ready.So glad to meet a man so concerned about manners & charm.My man is French so he was born holding doors. I am spoiled, but charmed.Deanna Littell
Gorgeous Little Things
February 3, 2010 at 12:31 pm
Ahh yes. A few years ago, I became interested in the real nitty gritty of manners, and I searched for a sort of modern finishing school for modern ladies. Sadly, I couldn't find one, so I consider myself a homeschool student of manners.
My boyfriend has his moments of grace and moments of blockheadedness, like all of us. But he has brought flowers home for me about once a week in the year and a half we've been living together. Whenever the old ones wilt and I'm thinking about throwing them out, he surprises me with a new bunch. And he understands about giving a gift that requires work, and trims and arranges the new flowers, and takes the old ones out with the trash. My hero.
February 3, 2010 at 12:37 pm
My husband is supporting my fledgling career with all the grace and love a person could hope for. He is always on my side, no questions asked and nothing required in return, which makes it so much more wonderful and amazing. Plus, he's a great cook and always calls me after work, when he's at the grocery store, for any dinner requests from me.
I'm a lucky, lucky girl.
February 3, 2010 at 12:48 pm
My husband says that whenever I order fish in a restaurant, he knows to order chicken. He's not complaining, either; he knows that I am a somewhat picky eater, and he always swaps meals with me if I don't like what I have ordered, often without me having to ask and always without complaint — just a little smile of recognition and a quick exchange of plates. He has done this for me for 24 years!
February 3, 2010 at 12:54 pm
My boyfriend and I have had a tough time the last year or so – he's been out of work since early May, so I've been the sole earner since then. On Monday, I found out that my 15 year-old cat is dying, and it's hitting me so much harder than I could have anticipated; it's worse than every heartbreak put together. My boyfriend gets up early with me to make me breakfast, and has dinner and wine ready for me when I get home. I can't even imagine what a wreck I'd be without him taking care of me.
I'd just like to add that the responses here are as inspiring as Scott's original post.
February 3, 2010 at 12:57 pm
my boyfriend will never let me get into a car unless he has opened the door. a simple grace that never goes unnoticed. he's a jewel.
February 3, 2010 at 12:59 pm
i have loved reading your posts about manners and grace. so necessary. i recently came across this new blog that looks to be quite promising:
February 3, 2010 at 1:05 pm
my boyfriend will not let me get into a car unless he has opened the door for me. a simple grace that never goes unnoticed. he's a jewel.
Aww, I'm teary-eyed and now am encouraging myself to never miss the small things. My husband makes me coffee every morning, and my coffee is no simple task. He makes my coffee, with the works, every single morning before work. That's just one of the many little things I can sometimes take for granted.
Thank you for this post. Your work is inspiring, but your words are beautiful.
February 3, 2010 at 1:12 pm
My husband is always telling me how much he loves me. He never blames me for anything. It's impossible to fight because it takes two and he never fights with me. He is just wonderful and always tells our boys he hopes they're as lucky as he is in finding a wife.
February 3, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Oh, and here's one thing my husband said once (since someone already mentioned making coffee in the morning and now I feel totally unoriginal)that made me cry. I had been talking about (heaven forbid) one of us ever has an accident that leaves us in a vegetable state, and I said just to take me off life support or let me die. He said, "I won't do that. I will brush your hair and do your make up every day, and make sure you feel pretty. I may not be able to do it as well as you can, but I'll learn."
February 3, 2010 at 1:36 pm
I had a big crush on a boy this summer and this is one of the things that made me fall for him: He would hold my hand all night through. And if he lost my hand during the night, he would fumble a bit until he found it again. It was such a nice thing to do because I don't sleep very well when a boy is holding around me all night, but laying on each side of the bed is also sad. Holding hands solved the problem!
It sound so oldish, but I think it was a really cute. Just wish I could call him my boyfriend..
February 3, 2010 at 1:49 pm
My husband is the King of the Little Things.
One night I was sitting on the couch and got cold so I grabbed a blanket. My husband was on the computer nearby working. I mentioned that I was going to be heading to bed soon.
About 15 minutes later, I got up and smooched the top of his head as I went to our master bedroom. I got into my pajamas, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and then crawled into bed to find it warm and toasty.
At some point, my husband had put a heating pad in my side of the bed and turned it on for me so it wouldn't be cold when I went to bed.
That's true love and true grace.
February 3, 2010 at 1:56 pm
Well, I'm a bit late to this conversation, but I just had to mention my husband's bit of grace. Now, normally he's just your average bearded software engineer who wears t-shirts and jeans with holes in places where the sun don't shine. But if he ever has to go to bed earlier than me, his way of saying goodnight is to kiss my hand. Previously, I had only seen this done in movies and had never actually ever had a man show his affections this way, but it truly makes me feel like a real woman.
February 3, 2010 at 2:16 pm
I am very lucky to be married to an incredibly thoughtful man. I do try to acknowledge every sweet gesture. A couple weeks ago, he confessed that every night before bed, he pulls the toilet paper down a couple squares, so that when I get up in the middle of the night, I don't have to fumble around for the end. He has done some sweeping grand gestures, but this small one made me cry.
February 3, 2010 at 2:43 pm
This post really sums up the reason why I love to browse your blog. It's not about fashion, it's the style that you embrace, the manners in you that shine out through your blog and I appreciate this post as you verbalize your gentlemanliness. :D-My man is a very patience gentleman and I think that is very important to me as I can get quite uneasy at times. He always waits for me and gives me little reminders of my daily life bad habits. It's a relationship that makes us become better person and I think that's gracefulness in action. :]
February 3, 2010 at 2:48 pm
When I slip into bed at night first and the linens have a chill I slip over to my partner's side of the bed for a few minutes to warm it for them before they arrive. He's always very pleased.
February 3, 2010 at 3:00 pm
I'll start with this morning. My husband and I both drink a bottle of Kambucha tea every day. We both love it equally, but haven't had a chance to get out and purchase our weekly supply because of the weather. There was only one bottle left in the fridge this morning, and he left it for me. This kind action did not go unnoticed. Every time I get a call from the boutique who carries Ferragmo's Vara pump in my size which I can never find, he says "Go ahead and buy the shoe, they never go out of style and you neeeed this color". I need more shoes like I need a hole in the head. He knows I love this sweet little shoe and indulges me. He opens the car door, and every door for this matter, after eight years of being together. And then there's the poodle. Around Thanksgiving I said I would love to have a dog so I could get more exercise and fresh air. Not one week later, Mia our Stardard Bred Poodle came home with my husband. She's a rescue puppy and was already 45 pounds when he brought her home. She is a joy each and every day, and a lovely addition to our home. I want for nothing, and I am not speaking of material things. I want for nothing, period. My life is full of love and appreciate, mutual appreciation. And don't laugh, we met on a online dating service. Love at first sight!
February 3, 2010 at 3:01 pm
My husband does so many special little things…honestly, after 25 years of marriage, I still feel so lucky that I snagged him.
But just as an example, most mornings he leaves the house before I get up, but no matter what, the coffee is made, and my favorite cup, along with a spoon a napkin, and the jar of honey, are lined up next to the pot for me. That's my guy! ;-)
February 3, 2010 at 3:21 pm
I love this post as we just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary a few months back and I've been mulling over how to be a more gracious and graceful wife. I think one of the main things is choosing to be interested in things he is passionate about that I wouldn't ordinarily be interested in, i.e. steam pressure on espresso machines being able to extract the perfect shot (he's a coffee geek). He always engages in talk about things I want to discuss, even if they aren't things he's naturally into. Also, he comes home after working all day and immediately takes over with our boys because he knows I need a break and will light candles and run a bath without me even asking. I love that your biggest obsession is to be a more graceful man…isn't that what we all ought to be aspiring to? More love? More self-lessness?
February 3, 2010 at 3:29 pm
I'm just getting started in a home-sale clothing business and was going to steam about 150 items with a borrowed steamer. My husband came into the house dragging a contraption: a heavy metal 5'5' pole attached to a plywood base. "Now what?" I ungraciously thought about my tinkerer man… It was a stand he had made (without my asking or even cluelessly realizing I would need such a thing) to hang each item on as I steamed it. This is just one example. Smmooch.
February 3, 2010 at 3:43 pm
Grace is indeed a blessing – my husband had me new supercool, business cards printed when I got promoted – so incredibly thoughtful
February 3, 2010 at 3:47 pm
Addendum: I meant to mention my gratitude for including the gay readers. As you say, Grace is Grace. And love makes the world go 'round.
February 3, 2010 at 3:48 pm
Michael Drury wrote a book in the sixties called _Advice to a Young Wife from an Old Mistress__. It is one of the most elegantly written treatises I've come across and contains a fair bit of perspective on living graciously both for yourself and within a relationship. I wouldn't recommend it for children, but college and up could benefit.
February 3, 2010 at 3:50 pm
my partner is a wonderful father to our son and i often hear him whisper to him when they play 'look how beautiful your mum is, aren't we lucky'….he makes this comment regardless how i look which is often tired these days….
February 3, 2010 at 3:52 pm
Here's the thing… aside from all the myriad "things" my husband unselfishly does for me daily it's how he is with others that really makes him so beautiful in my eyes. He is so gentle and kind and generous of spirit and Self. The way he carries himself and just his "IS- ness" is grace itself. You should see him pour champagne! He is elegance personified.Much love from VT
February 3, 2010 at 3:55 pm
My fiance is a true gentleman. We've been together 5 years and he still opens every door, stands when I get up from the table, walks on the traffic side, etc. In the winter, he knows how much I hate being cold so he draws me a bath and warms up my side of the bed! He is wonderful.
February 3, 2010 at 4:00 pm
Nice, love it. thumbs up and keep it up.
February 3, 2010 at 4:14 pm
i have this security thing about walking on his left side so i can hold my right hand in his left. grace is when he knowingly switches sides and holds out his left hand.
February 3, 2010 at 4:25 pm
It has often been said here that it's not only about the way he treats his lady, it's about others around.
I've known my beloved for 10 years, the first of which he was my best friend, five years ago I discovered him to be the love of my life.
One of the many moments I fell for him one more time was when I waited in the car while he was picking up something from the dry cleaning. I could see him talking to the dry cleaning lady and at one point in their conversation she giggled and blushed a bit. Maybe I should mention that he could be her 30 year old son.
He totally made her day with what he said and that made me so proud of the wonderful man I have at my side. He is taking good care of me and so many people feel comfortable around him that it's not just the butterflies in my stomach.
We (as individuals and as a couple) try to be better every day because we want to make each other proud.
It's all about trying to be better – for yourself and for others.
February 3, 2010 at 4:31 pm
My husband and I recently have come back to my hometown because my father is very ill. He sat with my dad the other day and watched some television show like Monster Garage, which he has no interest in, just to keep him company. It made me realise just how thoughtful he is, not just to me, but to my whole family.
February 3, 2010 at 4:42 pm
I believe that manners come naturally and depending of your backgrounds but most important good manners make u stand out from the crowds.Great post Scott.
February 3, 2010 at 4:56 pm
This post was lovely! Thanks for reminding us about grace and love.
February 3, 2010 at 5:01 pm
My husband comes to pick me up from work by foot and we walk back home together. Not because he has to or anything, he just likes to come and we like to walk together. And, he says, that way he sees me sooner than if he had to wait for me to come home on my own. He also takes care of my things better than his own, because I like to be tidier than he does. For example, if we pack our groceries in my stylish eco-firendly shopping bag and hes carrying it, he never puts it on the ground, because he knows I'd fear it would get dirty. If it was his own bag, he wouldn't care.
We'we been together nine years.
February 3, 2010 at 5:31 pm
My husband always shuts the door to the bathroom during private time and opens the window before he leaves the room and shuts the door when he leaves the room.One of the many reasons why he's the man for me.
February 3, 2010 at 5:38 pm
Sometimes when I have had a rough day I will find that my husband has pulled back the bedcovers, fluffed the pillow, turned on the lamp, and put a cup of tea by the bed for me. It makes me feel great when he does that.
February 3, 2010 at 5:55 pm
This isn't something about me or my relationship, but there are a lot of Chinese students at my university and I see all the time that it's rather customary, when a couple is walking, for the guy to carry both his bag and his girl's purse. I think this is both really cool and completely gracious.
February 3, 2010 at 6:04 pm
I guess I'm a little younger than most people posting here, but I remember a boy pushing in my seat after class as i was getting up. We weren't friends, just acquaintances, but that gesture has made me look at him a little differently ever since- I never expected that from a teenage boy. Thank you so much for posting- as a teenage girl who seems to only find the gentlemen described here in her dreams, I really appreciate this.
February 3, 2010 at 6:42 pm
As a girl with an almost entirely male group of friends, I am lucky enough to see some of my best friends act courteously and gracefully every day. One will always lend me his suit jacket if we are out somewhere and I'm cold, another will go shopping with me and always offer to carry my bags, and I've heard the story of how one of my closest friends wrote and played a song in front of the whole school to ask one of his high school girlfriends to prom. That's class right there. Its not these huge gestures that matter, but the little ones as well, and I'm happy to say that I find these small acts of kindness in almost all of my male friends.
February 3, 2010 at 6:50 pm
I've noticed a lot of comments of women talking about the grace of their husbands or boyfriends. I would like to say that while I am one of those men that has "grace", or tries to at least, I would like to say something about the woman in my life and the grace that she imparts on me everyday.
She is the one and only person that truly believes in me and constantly is helping me better myself. We have been together for 9 years and every moment of these 9 years she has let me know that I am special. Little things that i don't realize she has done. I am extremely thankful for her and the life we hope to have together in the future. Last month was my birthday, I was a jerk and ruined her plans for me. Being the person she is, she has still planned a day for me to make me feel special. Next year we will hopefully be married, and i look forward to spending every morning waking up next to the most beautiful soul in the world.
Thank you for the great post. Its words like those that make us all take a second to realize how fortunate we are!
February 3, 2010 at 6:56 pm
When I spend the night at my bf's house, I often have to park in a metered parking space that starts collecting in the morning (he doesn't have a car or garage because we live in a very urban area). In the a.m., he gets up to feed the meter outside in the cold so I can catch some more sleep.
Another time, though he didn't have a car, he came to meet me at the airport after I returned from a trip. As I walked out to meet him, I saw that he had brought me sushi because he thought I probably did not eat the food offered on the plane.
There are so many thoughtful things that he does for me that just make me feel so lucky!
February 3, 2010 at 7:02 pm
Dear Mr. Schuman,I was raised to be, and continue to conduct myself as a gentleman. However, I meet few "ladies" that take note or appear to appreciate it. Additionally, I'm not impressed with most males that I encounter, and if I was a woman would find them sickening. Am I just too cynical and jaded or should I quit America for perhaps Europe?
February 3, 2010 at 7:08 pm
my very graceful man knows that I don't care to bowl… but that I do it for him, since he loves it. On our second trip, he collected my shoes for me from the counter, and without a single word, he'd remembered my size. If there is any specific reason why I agreed to marry him, this could be it
February 3, 2010 at 7:28 pm
he reads the blog i keep, remembers everything and applies it to our relationship. he doesn't know that i know he reads it!
February 3, 2010 at 7:33 pm
I think kindness is an important element of grace. Seeing my man be cool under pressure, and nice to people even when they mess up is something that makes me respect and love him even more. For example, if waiter spills something on his pants he doesn't freak out – in fact, he makes sure the waiter doesn't feel too bad about it. He understands that accidents are accidents and doesn't get off from making a scene or think his potential anger might give him the right to embarrass someone. He's also a great host in that way – someone spills something, needs a cab called or whatever, he takes care of it and waves off any concerns they have and intruding/embarrassing, etc. (I think this is an important quality in EVERYONE and I have no patience for people who are rude to bartenders or their underlings or whatever.)
He also says hi to bus drivers, is nice to the people working at the supermarket, the guys at the deli, etc.
But maybe best of all he brings me coffee every morning in bed!
February 3, 2010 at 7:39 pm
he comes with me to chemo without me ever asking…
what a beautiful post, one of the most beautiful of your posts ever I believe. Please write more, your perspective is so fresh yet so old fashioned, very unique.
The other day I was out with my man and I watched him pull out his phone and turn it off. Now this guy is never without his phone so I thought it was really strange. I asked him why he did it and he told be that he wanted me to have all of his attention when we are together. I thought, how nice, so simple, but so sweet. It makes me so angry when youre with someone and they are constantly texting someone else. Sometimes its nice to give attention to and recieve attention from just one person at a time. Hes got the right idea, and so do you, modern manners.I dont care if I pay for my movie when we go out, his simple kindness is worth way more.
February 3, 2010 at 7:53 pm
I'm not much of a chocolates/flowers/jewelry kind of lady; we can't really afford the 'extra stuff' at this point in our lives. But I love it when my husband gets up in the middle of the night and lets the dog out. That's worth all the diamond jewelry in the world!
Vanessa @ Peace, Joy, Style
February 3, 2010 at 7:55 pm
Scott! Thank you so much for posting this entry on etiquette. It was beautifully crafted and punctual for Valentine's Day.
I, too, believe that the little things should never be overlooked in any type of relationship, really. Imagine how much better and darling life would be…
February 3, 2010 at 8:35 pm
Gentlemen, an almost lost art. I am so very thankful for those like Mr. Schuman and my very own dear husband who hold that line, no matter what the fashion is.
I have a little blog that I give suggestions to those men who need a little help thinking of those small things that make a gentleman gentle to his lady.
Perhaps some of you admirable men would like to check it out:http://amanstodolist.wordpress.com/. One or two sentences per day, no more… practically suggestions to make her feel special, thought of, loved.
February 3, 2010 at 8:41 pm
I,m new to your blog,but I've been really taken with the pictures and then I read your post and it's so important to appreciate each other in a relationship and I applaud you for your grace and smarts in knowing how crucial this grace is to a woman and encouraging other men. I am having a problem with my scalp that originated from some allergic reaction to glue used on electrodes that were on my head for a week of seizure testing. This has been a source of anxiety, embarrassment and friction between me and my man. He nagging me to leave my head alone and me being unable to stop obscessing and scratching at it. Well, this weekend he took me out to my favorite store and bought me two beautiful hats. He said nothing but it wasthe perfect solution.
February 3, 2010 at 9:03 pm
Lovely post, Scott. Thank you! For what it's worth, whenever we are eating out, my husband always makes sure I have the best view (of the other diners/restaurant/the outside world). After all, he says, who wants to look at his face when they can see my lovely one? "The lady should always have the view," he says. What a guy! And then we have a good time as I tell him what the other diners are doing, and we speculate as to who they might be and what their lives might be like…
February 3, 2010 at 9:04 pm
One thing I love about my boyfriend is how he subtlely shows how he's proud of me by mentionning things I do well in front of his family.And how he doesn't feel threatened by my successes but feels proud of them
February 3, 2010 at 9:21 pm
My man holds doors open for me. He cooks for me every night, he even chews and swallows for me. When I walk up the stairs, he personally guides each of my silly little feet to the next step. He would set the scene with romantic candles, but we both know I can't really be within 20 metres of a live flame. I'm just so lucky to have a man in my life!!
February 3, 2010 at 9:23 pm
his kindness: he knows how hungry I am after work, and how the hunger causes me to get so distracted and unfocused. When I get home from work, he calls me to the kitchen and has "snack plate" waiting – to tide me over while he makes dinner or when we decide together what to do/make/where to go for dinner.
He takes care of me.
February 3, 2010 at 9:25 pm
My husband does all of the normal gentlemanly stuff, opening car door, walking on the street side, helps me with my coat, etc. He's also my best friend and my lover, as well as my husband. He listens to me, lets me be me, encourages me to live my dreams. We argue who the lucky one is. We leave little surprises for each other. Small things that only have meaning to us. He's caring, sexy, romantic, erotic and loving. That's why, I must say, I am the lucky one. :)
February 3, 2010 at 9:29 pm
i like a kiss on the forehead.
i'd like one right now.
February 3, 2010 at 9:42 pm
Thank you for a beautiful post, Sart. I wanted to share this story: when I moved in with my boyfriend of 3 years, he would always ask me why I always filled up the water glass I put on the nightside table from the sink instead of using the filtered water in the fridge. I told him it's because I don't like really cold water. Soon after, I started noticing that my water glass was always full before we went to bed. I realized a week later that he was filling it up for me with filtered water a few hours early, so that it was room temperature by the time we went to bed. I was so overwhelmed by this gesture- it was such a simple statement of how much he cared.
Thanks for reminding us that the little things are not so little after all.
February 3, 2010 at 10:18 pm
He knows I like humor and poking fun of my friends and at myself, and he joins right in. But if he makes a jab which he isn't 100% certain will go over okay, he follows it with a swift wink at me– just so I know that he's joking, and I know that he cares.
February 3, 2010 at 10:37 pm
before he sits down, my sartorial husband has a habit of always asking, "is there anything i can get for you or do for you?" in a way that is so natural–not servile, just kind and thoughtful, like he just is 24-7.
February 3, 2010 at 10:44 pm
I once had a graceful man, a gentleman but unfortunately I did not appreciate or understand what I had.
I regret, as his lady not understanding that I had to also return acts of love, kindness and respect; that I can not always be the one to receive and not give.
I have a son now and I will try my hardest to have him become a graceful, gentleman.
I too will continually work to simply become a more graceful woman for my graceful man someday.
Thank you Scott! This was truly needed as well as appreciated!
February 3, 2010 at 10:48 pm
My boyfriend is a big believer in little gestures. He lets me pick the movies, he makes me breakfast and coffee in the morning and packs my lunch, he tells me I'm beautiful when I look a mess, he holds my bags, he unloads the car when we get home from a trip, and he opens my door first. These are all everyday treats, but each one is apprieciated immensely. As a woman it feels very nice to be treated like a lady, and I never take it for granted. Such a lovely post!
February 3, 2010 at 10:56 pm
He tucks me in every morning when he gets up, straightening the covers, he makes me handmade cards with the most amazing sentiments inside, he loves me unconditionally and spoils me rotten.
February 3, 2010 at 11:03 pm
i love that my boyfriend smooths my loose hairs back away from my face before a nice long hug. grace? maybe not. but thoughtful and gentle indeed.
February 3, 2010 at 11:13 pm
one of the best compliments i have ever received came from a total stranger at a bar. i was dancing with some friends, and this man comes up and taps me on the shoulder. i instantly geared myself mentally for the usual onslaught of inane, impersonal male bar comments.
instead, he handed me a drink, leaned in and said: "I just wanted to tell you I think you are the most beautiful girl in the room."
and then he turned and walked out the door. it was so simple, yet so touching because for once i didn't feel some guy was complimenting me because he hoped to get something out of it. i thought it an extremely gentlemanly gesture, one of pure appreciation which is so rare these days because everyone is so goal- and results-oriented.
and for the record, as the result of that simple gesture, if that guy had walked back in the door he would have had a far better chance not only with me but with all of my astounded girlfriends than any other man in the vicinity. just goes to show, a little can go a long way…
February 3, 2010 at 11:16 pm
I really enjoyed this post. Your post sparked my curiosity to read up on proper etiquette. Sometimes you don't realize how rude people are until you read what real, "proper" etiquette is! But also, you learn how graceful some people really are– and you don't even realize it.
The one thing I remember about my boyfriend is when he gave me my Christmas present this year. He gave me a bunch of art supplies (I'm studying to be a scene designer) and included was a calligraphy book. I hadn't remembered talking about my interest in calligraphy with him, so I asked him how he knew. Apparently, back in June when we first met, he had briefly mentioned that he used to do calligraphy, and I had simply said, "I've always wanted to try." He claims he has such a bad short term memory, but he remembered THAT…and that's when you know someone is really thoughtful and really does care about you.
February 3, 2010 at 11:22 pm
What a wonderful prompt! I work at a coffee shop and have to take PT very, very early in the morning to arrive on time. When my boyfriend stays the night at my place he gets up early with me to give me a ride. Sometimes he even makes me a lunch! Can you believe that? His kindness/generosity/genuine "goodness" is second-to-none, and writing this is reminding me just how lucky I am. I love you, Jakezorz!
February 3, 2010 at 11:29 pm
On the morning of my birthday, I woke up to be alone at home. But out the door was a balloon attached to the fence, it made me smile. And then I saw another one on the street corner, and then another one… and so on. They followed me all the way through my daily walk to school, there even was one on my locker. That was the best birthday present I ever got.I learned it took my friend only a few dollars and some little time in the morning but, in the end, it was worth so much more.
February 4, 2010 at 12:01 am
Lovely post, Sart! Touching, thought-provoking, and GRACEFUL that you (full of responsibilities and things to be busy about) are asking your readers for input with the intention of paying heed.
My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship, and I frequently drive to him on weekends. He asks me to text him when I get home safely. We are a reserved couple, not much for sweeping gestures and not inclined to be very [conventionally] demonstrative … so this little question, this little demand of his, sets my heart aflutter (even after 4 and a half years together). It speaks to his feelings, even though he is not explicitly acting in a mushy way.
February 4, 2010 at 12:19 am
Inspiring post today, and as always perfect timing. So many of these posts have fantastic pointers on how we can all be better and more gracious partners!
February 4, 2010 at 1:08 am
i love this story. its sooo sweet! my boyfriend has been so sweet to me. he always holds open doors and pulls out my chair when we go out, and i even get massages….without asking. :)
February 4, 2010 at 1:34 am
Even in his sleep, my man fixes the blankets when they slip off me during the night. I love that he's always making sure I'm tucked in, and while I used to think that he was subconsciously worrying about me because I get cold easily, I recently witnessed his dad wrap the edge of a throw over his mom's feet while she was reading a book.
And grace is that, too: leading by example–being there for your kids and showing them how it's done.
February 4, 2010 at 1:37 am
hows this for grace…my 3 year old son came up to me the other day and said "mummy you look beautiful today."i got all gooey and giggly and asked where he got that from, and he said, "i dunno. i just thought, why dont i tell mummy she looks beautiful? so i did."he'll do well in his later years…:)
February 4, 2010 at 1:49 am
A little circle can mean so much…Grace and manners impress me too. Upon reading the post my thoughts immediately went to something my dear friend did, although it might not classify as manners or grace.We were out shopping for a new cell phone for him. He picked one up and examined it closely. I asked what he was looking for. He responded, with a concerned look on his face: "Can this keyboard do Alt+143?"
Alt+143 is a command that puts a circle above the first "a" in my Swedish name, and thereby spells it just right.
February 4, 2010 at 1:51 am
My husband always puts gas in my car for me, even though I know perfectly well how to gas a car myself and did so for many years prior to knowing him. He has gone out many a late night to "gas me up" for the next morning so I won't have to do it. I never ask. Thanks for reminding us to appreciate these things. After 13 years I admit it's easy to find only gripes, but your post reminded me that he still does that for me, and I still love it.
February 4, 2010 at 2:28 am
awww…so beautiful what you wrote about being a more graceful man for your graceful woman…now i'm going to be emotional all day long and i blame you for that..:P..my man once told me that if he would be mayor of his town he would make all the florists from every little corner of every street to give me flowers when i passed by them..
February 4, 2010 at 2:41 am
he kept my subway sandwich order in his wallet so he could get one for me just the way I like it when I need it.
So simple but when I saw it in his wallet it showed me that he took notice and he cared.
February 4, 2010 at 3:41 am
My boyfriend is the most graceful man I've met, simply because every time he sees me he smiles and looks happy to be there with me. This makes me fell so happy and special every day!
February 4, 2010 at 4:07 am
wonderful! the base of this gentleness is the respect. it's about respecting you and the other
February 4, 2010 at 4:49 am
This is a lovely post. I think men, specially young men, are often afraid of being 'graceful' in case they offend. A few weeks ago I had occasion to return to my university town for some work, but ended up with nowhere to stay. The two young men I was working with, neither of whom knew me very well, immediately offered me accommodation. The one I eventually stayed with gave up his room for me, and slept on the couch. And he always walked me home after dark. I really appreciated that, but sadly these little things can be so rare in modern society.
On a more general note, I always check your blog and your photographs inspire me to try and be a bit more adventurous in my clothing, even if I'm just going down Ayr high street. One can get sick of wearing jeans all the time…
February 4, 2010 at 4:56 am
my ex-boyfriend used to leave me little notes when he left my appartment in the morning. And because he left after me, I didn't see these notes before I came home in the evening. It was always so lovely to come home and find something written on a card or a napkin or on an envelope of a bill or a scrap of paper. Sometimes it was a simple I love you and other times it was a bit more. I loved these notes, and I really miss them.
February 4, 2010 at 5:26 am
for all the young, single folks out there (myself included) who have yet to experience many of these graceful acts and who aren't terribly excited about this month's holiday, these comments give lots of hope for the future. i'm holding myself to a higher standard starting now.
the most graceful thing sart did was to take a moment to include everyone (the remark about love from the same gender). such an awareness of others, their perceptions, and experiences. love and grace can only be universal and fully appreciated once they are respected in all forms, no matter how different they may be from your own. thanks!
ps just found this blog yesterday, thanks to an article in an old newspaper tucked away on a shelf. excited to join such a nice group of viewers.
February 4, 2010 at 6:39 am
Ladies definitely notice and it doesn't have to be a romantic interaction either. I was at a dinner party last week and my friend made me a plate of appetizers and brought it to me before he made his own. It was totally unexpected and I was impressed!
February 4, 2010 at 6:42 am
Taught me stone skipping when I was more than 30! Nobody had until then, I thought it a great mistery of the world, but he made it so easy…
February 4, 2010 at 7:02 am
Thank you Scott for your thoughtful and thought-provoking post. As a result of reading it and the many comments, today I was conciously more considerate of others, and had a much better day for it. Thank you for reminding us that manners and grace do make a difference.
February 4, 2010 at 9:10 am
I have just split up with the most wonderful man, and it has broken my heart reading through these comments. What an outpouring your post has provoked!
The best moments are ones that cause your stomach to clench sharply into a knot, and a giant smile to break across your face! Being kissed on your forehead, and the lips lingering a moment or two longer than usual. Proudly being introduced as 'my gorgeous girlfriend', a note written into your diary months in advance saying 'I'm the luckiest boy in the world'! All are the most enchanting and spontaneous actions, and reminds us that love is an adjective!
But the best thing in the world is opening a thick packet of letters, full of stories and thoughts and nonsense and jokes, and lingo that means nothing to anyone but the two of you. That when you read, you can hear their voice speaking every word.
The letter I treasure most, and will keep forever, ends with this… "The uncertainty inherent to life is matched only by the certainty that you should be a part of it."
I miss him so much.
February 4, 2010 at 10:10 am
The essence of it is Effort, in whatever way that matters to your loved one.
I like to think of it as driving a really nice car with manual gearshift, and not setting cruise control at all…..on a long and unpredictable highway (that's life!).
February 4, 2010 at 10:19 am
little things my man does that show how much he cares:
hold my hands to stop me from rubbing my eyes when their itchy, even when we're in bed, in the dark, and i think he's fallen asleep.
kiss me every morning in bed before he goes off to work
Rolls all my the wires from my plugs/chargers into neat bundles because he knows messiness annoys me
automatically hands me the remote when I plop down beside him on the couch, even if his eyes are glued to the screen ( except its ifs tour de france!)
comes over and picks our cat up when I'm doing work, and the cat is trying to walk across my laptop screen to get attention
thank you for this post, and showing that the tiny things brighten up the days, not the orthodox, garish, lavish expensive candlelight dinner,roses and diamonds combo.
February 4, 2010 at 10:39 am
Dear Scott,Your best post ever!To the case in question- this post makes my heart flutter.
Keep the best work…
February 4, 2010 at 11:00 am
I wish my soon-to-be ex husband thought more like you do. It might have been the difference between having a wife that adores you versus having a wife that can't wait to be rid of you.
Thanks for this. I appreciate that there are men out there who think this way.
February 4, 2010 at 11:18 am
Every morning he makes 6 lunches for 4 kids, me & one for himself. He also brews the coffee, listens for my sleepy footsteps emerging from the bedroom, pours me a cup and sets it at my place.
February 4, 2010 at 11:44 am
He leaves little surprise notes saying he loves me. For instance one day we just crossed paths as I was coming home from work and he was leaving to exercise and I went into the bedroom and he had left his mac book open and in the Google search bar he had typed "I love Katie". It's always a surprised and puts a huge smile on my face! He definetly has more grace than I do though! I try but it's never comparable.
Julia, the Thanksgiving Girl
February 4, 2010 at 12:08 pm
Such a beautiful post, you should definately do more of the writing :)
February 4, 2010 at 12:34 pm
it's not my man, but my best guy friend who handles me with grace. i live by myself and i get quite lonely in this big city. he's let me crash at his apartment, whether i have a broken heart and need company, my carbon monoxide alarm went off, or for some other reason i came up with in order to not be alone. he eventually gave me a key to his place and told me i don't need to give him a reason.
February 4, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Great post & so truly relevant in our modern time of texted thank you's & emailed invitations. We forget the beauty in these human acts of tenderness. I recently started seeing a man who skips ahead to open the door, shares a cab with me, walks me to my door then gets back in and goes 80 blocks north to his home. Every day he finds a way to make me feel like a woman. Long live grace.
February 4, 2010 at 1:19 pm
Over the last two years my male best friend and I have realized that we truly like and care for each other. He's often out of town so everytime I know he's coming back I buy his favorite candy and have it ready. Recently he got ready to go out of town and he brought me a 24×30 B&W photo framed. He even had a reason why he chose it and he had no clue that I was even in to abstract art.
I look at it every nite before I go to bed! <3
February 4, 2010 at 1:54 pm
the grace with which my beau interacts with strangers is a constant reminder to me of what a truly thoughful, sensitive, and compassionate man I have the privilege of sharing my life with.
February 4, 2010 at 2:23 pm
February 4, 2010 at 3:00 pm
for me, my guy spent a month making my birthday present and won't show me till he finished it. Even apologize for not being able to give it to me on my birthday. It was well worth the wait. It is now sitting my desk for me to look at everyday when I come home from work.
February 4, 2010 at 3:20 pm
One morning we woke up to the sound of sporadic annoying construction. We both complained and then got up because it was impossible to go back to sleep. The next morning, he had to go to work, while I didn't have to get up for another couple of hours. I knew he was running late but before he left, he dashed into the room, kissed me goodbye and said, "here, I found your earplugs in case there's construction again". He's always doing things like this and it warms my heart to know that I'm on his mind even when something else would seem to overtake it. Thank you for your post Scott, you've reminded me not to take such a wonderful person for granted. xx
February 4, 2010 at 3:35 pm
I just started seeing a man who lives in New York. I live in Sweden. Last week I had one of the worst days I've ever had at work, and in the evening I wrote him an e-mail telling him how sad and low I'd felt all day. The next day roses were delivered to me at work. He could have sent me dandelions, to be honest. The fact that he made that effort made me feel so loved.
February 4, 2010 at 3:36 pm
as others have said manners and grace arent't restricted to relationships – I love that my best friend he looks out for me if we're crossing the road; I always hold doors open for people behind me – that's pure plain politeness, was brought up to do that.
It does have more meaning when it's your other half though – my man is lovely and thoughtful, worries if I'm not eating enough, will think ahead whether I have the money for something, cooks wondeful meals, we both kiss each other on the head unbidden and I call him beautiful all the time…not bad 13 years later ;-)
In fact the one thing that made me realise how much he cared was something as I was young and early on in the relationship I didn't spot…he kept buying twos of things, two mugs, two dressing , two towels…things we could share together. I felt like a mug when he pointed it out, because it was so obvious…so I've tried to spot those little things ever since.
From small presents to massaging bits of me that hurt, he does…and I love him deeply for it. And try to do likewise.
And yes Valentines Day can be a little heterosexist so count me as one of the others ;-)
February 4, 2010 at 3:46 pm
my man of 15 years warms up my car every morning … its much more than just a cofmortable morning drive in the northeast … great post, thanks :)
February 4, 2010 at 3:51 pm
My boyfriend is a wonderful man who was my friend for over five years before I realized how lucky I'd be to have him.
Now, over six months into the most wonderful relationship of my life, he still walks around the car to my side and opens my door first. Every single time. Even in the rain.
February 4, 2010 at 3:52 pm
it's so easy to love it's so easy to hate it takes guts to be gentle and kind.
it's over (the Smiths)
February 4, 2010 at 4:37 pm
He lets me fall back asleep on him for as long as I want, even though he is a morning person.
February 4, 2010 at 5:17 pm
I got a terrible big city parking ticket the other day, called him at work and told him about it, and he said, "Well, I hope the city makes good use of that money." I didn't realize I was parking in a bus stop (sign obscured by the snow/power pole/tree, as best I can figure) and I really was upset enough with myself. He also looks after every need of mine that he can figure out… Offering to hold heavy/awkward things, offering to help with manual labor, taking on greater than 50% of household tasks, turning on the electric blanket to prewarm the bed, making me hot tea in the morning, and laughing with me. Generous to a fault. God, I love that man!
February 4, 2010 at 5:30 pm
this is a beautiful post – i'd like to reference a little later today, to remind my readers that grace and humility still exist even though the "chivalry is dead" theme is on a constant rise up and through valentine's day.
my most profound moment had to have been when i came home once to an apartment i shared with my live-in boyfriend at the time, filled with thickly gray smoke emanating from the kitchen. shocked, i made my way over to find out what was causing it, only to see him standing by the stove, visibly upset, that something had obviously gone awfully wrong. it took me a minute to realize he had been cooking, the evidence was strewn all about the kitchen. i asked him what he was doing, what he had been trying to make, to which he replied "i was trying to make you your favorite dish, because you should always be able to make the favorite dish of the person you love."
February 4, 2010 at 6:05 pm
Scott,this is such a wonderful post. You couldn't have wrote it better. Grace and manners are so important. I really respect and admire men who act in a gentleman-like manner. I wud always say i really wish my bf to be nothing but a true gentleman. Like my father. My parents celebrated 25th anniversary last year and they are still very much in love. I admire them so much. My father still kisses my mother several times a day, he leaves notes for he whenever he goes on a trip, he's always so attentive and caring.I myself am very blessed as well, as i have the most wonderful, loving and caring boyfriend who always makes me feel like the most important person on the planet and never stops stressing how very lucky he is to have me.
cheers to love! :)
February 4, 2010 at 6:52 pm
For my birthday last year, after only having dated for about a month, my boyfriend made dinner reservations for the exact time of my birth. At first when he told me what time our reservation was for, I didn't believe him. Sure enough though, he had asked the hostess for a 6:47 reservation and she even wished me a happy birthday upon our arrival. It was the beginning of a fabulous night–it ended with breakfast in bed and a new Marc Jacobs bag!
February 4, 2010 at 6:58 pm
I try to court my wife every day. I need to pass this on to a female colleague of mine who asks me at least once a week if I did something nice for my wife…I should just print out all these wonderful comments. Thank you all for a bit a happiness today.
February 4, 2010 at 7:09 pm
him offering to take a photo of me or us before i ask and without making a fuss.
February 4, 2010 at 7:28 pm
true love does wait…sometimes it waits too long tho.
February 4, 2010 at 7:29 pm
I am vegetarian, my boy friend isn't, but whenever we try to pick a new place to go out to eat, he's the one most concerned with whether there are vegetarian options there (even though I'm usually happy with a grilled cheese sandwich) .. I think it's really sweet.
Robyn Dru Germanese
February 4, 2010 at 8:16 pm
Hello my name is Robyn and my Boyfriends name is Rossel. We are 28 years old. I am a student studying fashion/ costume design and he works with Native First Nations Kids at Risk.
Its not only what he does for me like cooking me dinner, rents movies he thinks i will like, offers to pay for almost everything, brings me a glass of wine or beer while i am in the bathtub,or compliments me. It is also what he does for other people. Like his youth at work who he cares so much about, or old people he is itching to help in any way.
Before he moved in with me i gave him the spare key and one day i was surprised to find him in my shower fixing something.I will never forget these instances.I heart him.
February 4, 2010 at 8:37 pm
I'm still very much into old world manners and wish there were more men who still had them. You know the thing about letting you walk on the inside of the sidewalk, opening the door for you to get out of the car, making sure you're not cold… things like that. Also, I was told once by someone that the best thing about being with me is that I made him forget about the bad things of the day… and so I always tried to make him smile and tried to always make him detach from the everyday routine… Hard to find someone like that these days… Thanks for asking!!!
February 4, 2010 at 9:15 pm
Thanks for the "for my gay readers" note. It's so true that grace and kindness know no bounds regarding any type of relationship, whether it's between friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, or whatever. I've come to find in my own experience that, when I treat a guy the way I myself would want to be treated, he notices. And it's great. There's so much truth to that old mantra, "do unto others and you would have others do unto you." If we lived more in accordance to that on an everyday basis, I think all of our relationships would affect us in a whole new way.
February 4, 2010 at 10:09 pm
My boyfriend always opened car doors for me, carried my things, all the gentleman-ly things he's "supposed" to do, but when I told him it made me feel uncomfortable, small, and helpless he stopped. I know he will always help me when I ask, but a real gentleman isn't just programmed into politeness, he listens and responds to my true needs.
February 4, 2010 at 11:21 pm
My husband always jumps back in bed fully clothed and hugs me at the start of the day when he wakes up early to go to work. He tells me its the best part of the day for him!
February 5, 2010 at 12:00 am
Much gratitude for including your gay readers!
February 5, 2010 at 12:40 am
Funnily enough I was thinking about something similar today before I read this. My girlfriend (we are both girls) drove around the local area last night to find me because it was raining and she knew I would be riding home from work on my bike in the rain.
When I rode along all covered in rain and found her waiting with her car boot open ready for my bike I thought it was the sweetest thing in the world.
February 5, 2010 at 12:43 am
Reading the comments to your graceful post is like eating a bag of popcorn or potato chips. I can't stop… Every day I am greeted with grace. He wakes me up with kisses to my cheeks and forehead. When we can't be in the same bed, he sends me the same virtual kisses & hugs by text. He has learned my strange ways and accommodates them accordingly, the bedtime rituals and the morning routines. I am beautiful at my worst, and humbled at my best. In these graceful gestures he is easy. Grace is his love in motion.
February 5, 2010 at 1:19 am
When my ex and I used to walk places together he would usually put his arm around my shoulders. Whenever I would wear a shoulder purse, if the strap were to start slipping he would grab it and re-position it higher up on my shoulder without ever missing a beat in conversation. He knew how annoyed I would get when my purse would slip… and he seemed to do it without even thinking.
I know this seems like a silly little thing but the fact that I still remember it to this day shows that we women really do remember the small gestures that show our men are thinking of us and our comfort.
Thanks for writing this piece – it's a wonderful reminder that people still appreciate class and gentility.
February 5, 2010 at 1:25 am
My husband does so many small, graceful things to make my life better.
He hangs my towel above the heat register in the bathroom so it is warm when I get out of the shower, he holds my coat and bag when we go shopping so I can have free hands, he always shifts me to the inside of the sidewalk when we are out walking, and makes a point of telling me of things I've said that he thought were funny or smart.
But one of the best not-so-small gestures was when he arranged a surprise party for me to celebrate my first year of being in business for myself. He invited the friends who had supported me with business and made dinner for us all.
It made me feel incredibly loved and special to have him create an event to celebrate me and my achievement of a dream.
February 5, 2010 at 1:37 am
My brother may be one of the only gentlemen I know.
A few years ago, when he was only 16 years old, he offered an old lady (a complete stranger) in the street his umbrella because she didn't have one and it was raining hard.
He didn't think anyone was watching–there was nobody in the streets and he was all alone with the old lady. Little did he know, my friend happened to be watching him from her window, and even she was impressed.
I'm incredibly proud of who he is and only look forward to who he will become.
February 5, 2010 at 2:11 am
That was beautiful! Thank you.
February 5, 2010 at 2:26 am
One night, my husband thought I was sleeping, (my 4 month old baby made a noise, and she kind'a woke me) He leaned over, kissed my hair and as he was turning to the other side of the bed, he mutterd "te amo"…. I melted right then and there… he never knew I heard.
February 5, 2010 at 3:05 am
i believe in understated grace. one of the things that struck me when i moved in NY was how men rarely hold the door for women. in europe it felt natural and it seems that all men do it, is it considered rude not to, but living in NY i'm starting to appreciate it, rather than taking it for granted.there, one of the smallest gestures a man can do for a woman. always give your seat, always hold the door.
February 5, 2010 at 3:10 am
one of the most gallant gestures that my boyfriend used to do was wait for me to get in the house safely before driving away, even if there is no real need to do it. he never told me he is doing it and i never told him that i noticed.
February 5, 2010 at 3:58 am
Bless. Couldn't agree more.
February 5, 2010 at 5:39 am
Grace…one of my favourite words in the English language. Its meaning caught up in its sound, something to do with the genteel g, the rolling r, the elegance of ace…untranslatable but your description captures it perfectly.So…thanks!
February 5, 2010 at 6:07 am
Your blog is a treat and an inspiration. I've never left a comment before now but was inspired by your graceful post and the outpouring of comments from other readers.
My lover is graceful in so many ways. (He's physically graceful too although he doesn't realise it.)
He tells me every day that I'm beautiful. Men should not underestimate the effect this simple act can have. Even though I may not feel beautiful, hearing this from him makes my heart flutter and makes me feel special and wanted. It's so nice to be noticed.
We live thousands of miles and many hours apart. On my 40th birthday, knowing that I was alone and feeling down, he set his alarm for 2am so that he could be with me on skype when I woke up.
He emails me photos of details in his life…what he's buying at the store, his workplace… saying that he wants to share everything with me.
When I'm upset, he tries his best to make me smile.
He tells me when he's having a 'surge' of emotion for me.
He sends me messages to tell me that he's thinking of me.
Little things that mean such a lot.
February 5, 2010 at 6:42 am
your post has made my heart flutter for the first time in a long time =)
February 5, 2010 at 8:00 am
I buy chocolate for my husband and feed it to him when he least expects it. He warms my side of the bed before I come to bed. What you say about manners and grace are so true. I think we all need to get those qualities back in the public sphere and it's great you are discussing the topic here. Your blog really picks me up!
February 5, 2010 at 8:33 am
I once went to lunch with an American friend who was out visiting me in South Africa. We went to a restaurant and she ordered the biggest platter of prawns on the menu for us to share.
I saw a friend of mine there with a business collegue, I greeted him and carried on with the catch-up lunch.
Come time for the bill, the waiter informed us that it had already been paid, by the friend that I had greeted.
I felt like such a lady.
February 5, 2010 at 8:37 am
I went on a date with a man I had seen around. We went to see a harp soloist backed by the philharmonic at the City Hall.
During the performance I looked down and noticed his shoes. Proper mens dress shoes. Most of my friends do the canvas sneakers or slops thing, even when they go out (i know i have protested…)
however, this man had made an effort to wear a smart jacket, shirt and a beautiful pair of shoes and it made me feel, suprisingly so, like a woman and not a girl.
February 5, 2010 at 8:58 am
I'm a neat freak. My boyfriend is not. After an exhausting, week-long video shoot out of town, I arrived back at my apartment with my boyfriend in it and a super clean bathroom. He knew I would be tired, and that cleanliness makes me happy, and although he doesn't care about a scrubbed floor so much himself, he cleaned the room top to bottom, without asking or telling me. This seems like a silly, Clorox-tinted view of romance, but it really moved me.
Teresa @ good-grace
February 5, 2010 at 11:11 am
Such a wonderful post!!
I think my favorite part is the very last line: It doesn't matter who you're lovin', it's how you're lovin'!
February 5, 2010 at 11:54 am
My boyfriend and I have lived together for 3 1/2 years now. He is wonderfully compassionate and I am grateful that I could type for hours about all the little things he does, that mean the absolute world to me. But I will spare you and stick with just one:
I usually go to bed before he does, but on the rare occasions I am still up when he goes to sleep, he will turn my bedside lamp on for me.
I know this might not seem like much, but he has trouble sleeping with lights on, so it's such a wonderful feeling knowing that he wants me to be able to see and safely make it to the bed.
February 5, 2010 at 11:55 am
my boyfriend just sat through 1 hour of watching my try on and test make up products at macy's yesterday. he sat there so patiently and lovingly that i couldn't help but love him.
February 5, 2010 at 12:03 pm
What a lovely post! As a woman very much in love with a most gracious and grace-ful man, I applaud your effort to be more aware and be better for yourself and your partner. It's those little things that makes a girl's heart swell and love her man just a little bit more.
As for me…
I have a very long commute and when I get home every night my husband says to me, "It's nice to see you."
I don't really drink a lot of soda, but my husband loves Coca Cola and when he cracks open a new can or pops open a new bottle, he hands it directly to me – he knows how much I love the first sip.
February 5, 2010 at 12:06 pm
A WONDERFUL post! I adore watching old films and the attraction is not just the clothes and settings but the manners and grace of the actors/actresses then.
My adorable husband is a true gentle man. He just cannot be rough in manners or how he carries himself whether in business or with family and friends. He actually inspires me to be a gentle woman for him for always.
When we first started dating I noticed he would always, always walk on the outside of the pavement (sidewalk). He hasn't changed over a decade later!
February 5, 2010 at 1:08 pm
I love that your are straight Scott(and have kids!) I didn't know that fact until just reading your grace essay. I REALLY REALLY love straight men who appreciate color, space, design, grace, style and manners. It is not very common to find heterosexual men like you in our society but it gives me great hope that I will be able to raise my son to appreciate the finer things like you do and be like you are. You are very inspirational for many reasons you may have not even considered. Thank you – Michele
February 5, 2010 at 1:59 pm
Things he does for me:
-always holds out his hand for me to grab hold when we head somewhere-lets me choose where to sit when in a restaurant-gives me air kisses when we see each other from across the room
Love this post…Especially the 30 Rock reference because I thought the same exact thing!
These little gestures really make a big impression on ladies. In the end, women appreciate thoughtfulness more than material things. I man can say "I love you" all he wants, but small ways of showing love and appreciation for your lady will go a long way. Being a gentleman does not make him soft, it makes him more of a man. A gentleman is sweet and sexy!
February 5, 2010 at 2:51 pm
Agreed. But better shoes are pretty darn good, too…
February 5, 2010 at 3:44 pm
Thank you for posting this. I can't wait to tell my boyfriend all the little things I appreciate about him in his Valentine's card this year.
February 5, 2010 at 4:27 pm
My boyfriend never forgets to ask how my day was. He's patient, thoughtful, kind, and always a gentleman. I pray for his safety and happiness every single day, even though he doesn't know it. Maybe I will tell him on valentine's day!
February 5, 2010 at 4:50 pm
sweet, simple and beautiful entry. so like your photographs. you and your lovely lady garance are refreshing in the fashion world, there is not the slightest bit of pretension or snobbery that seems unfortunately common. Only kindness, true passion and interest and plenty of enjoyment for life!thank you!
February 5, 2010 at 5:27 pm
These are basics, but I still love when a gentleman (some of this specific to a city):
- Lights your cigarette. - Notices your stunning(ly) high heels and suggests a taxi.- Hails a taxi.- Gets into said taxi first so you don't have to slide across the seat.- Holds doors, but goes through a revolving door first.- Walks over subway grills in the sidewalk if you're wearing any kind of heel.- Helps with your coat. Gets coat from coat check.- Steps in front of you, or holds your arm in a dangerous or slippery situation.- Offers to carry your bags.- Holds the umbrella.- Stands up to say hello if you're standing.
February 5, 2010 at 6:19 pm
Thank you so much for this post – so wonderful to know grace & courtesy is alive and well ! Hilariously enough as I sit here on my sofa on this chilly, rainy Sydney morning reading it, my 3 year old boy came over to me and commented that I had cold feet. Then wIthout a word from me he kissed them, rubbed them and blew hot air on them. Then scampered off to his room saying "I must make them warm" and came back with his blanket and wrapped them up. The timing was perfect and I am so lucky to have such a thoughtful child. ; )
February 5, 2010 at 8:40 pm
I am currently in a relationship, and although my boyfriend is quite a gentleman, the most graceful, gentlemanly action I have ever witnessed was by my younger brother.
I was 16, my brother was 14. He, a friend and, I went to the movies. It was blisteringly cold out. My friend’s eighth of a mile driveway was being repaved and therefore, I was unable to drive her all the way down the driveway to the door. She was going to have to walk the dark driveway by herself at midnight. When I pulled up to the end of it to let her out, my brother simply stepped out of the car opened the door for her, and walked her all the way to the front door, then waited until she unlocked the door and walked inside before coming back to the car. He did all this without being asked, or even saying a word.The next day when I went over, her mother who is typically a sort of cold person, graciously welcomed me into the house. I think my brothers actions not only reflected well upon him, but upon our family. His actions told her that perhaps we were young, but that we were also raised to be polite and caring. My brother’s gesture has stood with me since then, it has set a standard for the men I date. Will he walk me down the driveway to the front door in the middle of a cold night? Thank you for this great post. It reminded me of that moment, when I realized my little brother, wasn’t just a football playing jock, but someone who makes people around him not only feel good, but feel welcome and comfortable.
February 5, 2010 at 10:07 pm
The courtliness is really the beauty in relationships. ;]
February 6, 2010 at 2:17 am
Lovely piece. It really is the small (and big) acts of kindness that add spice as well as appreciation to a relationship. I love it when I come homw and my boyfriend has left me a little note – it's my best.
Coco CHANEL 's CHILD
February 6, 2010 at 5:21 am
==================================================="It doesn't matter who you're lovin', it's how you're lovin'!"
…BRAVO FOR THESE WORDS….
BUT , according to me , the best is to say :
it doesn't matter who you're lovin'…WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THAT YOU LOVE !
( are you going to delete these words too ? )^^
GOD BLESS YOU !==========================================================
February 6, 2010 at 5:49 am
Great post and how wonderful to read all these comments !Amazingly enough as I was sitting on my sofa this cold, wet Sydney morning my 3 year old boy came over to me and commented how cold my feet were. Completely unprompted he kissed them, rubbed them and then went scampering off to his room to get a blanket to wrap them in.The timing was so perfect – I am so lucky to have such a thoughtful child. It's the little things that a person does that mean so much. Not the big gestures or grand tokens. Thoughtfulness – now that's true grace.: )
February 6, 2010 at 9:06 am
Grace – Don't you think it's the unexpected, special gesture? Many years ago, hitchhiking in southern Italy, my Mexican companion and I somehow ended up in the company of two italian geologists and the Cuban designer partner of one of them. While waiting for us all to leave for dinner in the nearby village, I started to sit down on the steps of the villa they were staying in. Immediately the geolgists' driver produced a clean handkerchief and spread it out for me to sit on!
February 6, 2010 at 10:15 am
My graceful man cooks for me and makes me my tea in the morning after I wake up and my hot chocolate at night before I sleep.My graceful man showers me with acts of kindness – because he likes seeing me happy and is sad whenever I'm sad. Two years of being together, not once has he raised his voice. Not once.
That, to me, is gracefulness at its best.
February 6, 2010 at 11:04 am
When I first started dating my husband, he was playing in a charity basketball game against some off-season San Francisco 49ers. At half-time he came into the stands, sweaty and grimy, with a small cup of gatorade for me "just in case" I was thirsty. That small gesture of thoughtfulness touched my heart like no bouquet ever could. Now almost 20 years later, he sometimes puts our little girls' coats into the dryer on cold mornings so they will be "nice and toasty" when they go to school. (It does make it difficult for me, because if he is not available I hear, "That's not how DADDY does it!")
February 6, 2010 at 11:29 am
February 6, 2010 at 11:36 am
wow this post really is so beautiful, and everyone's sharing of graceful experiences//
im recently broke up with my boyfriend but am slowly learning to love againsomething blew me away on my birthday from someone im starting to call special…..he came up to me as soon as he saw me and hugged me tight in front of everyone because he remembered how id said i hated my birthdays and he knew the hug would just make it all better, nothing more, nothing less.
February 6, 2010 at 1:08 pm
I totaly agree even wrote a poem calle the little things
"Sweet kisses for no apparent reason and knowing exactly when to grab her hand make her feel more like a princess than any princess cut diamonds"
February 6, 2010 at 1:30 pm
I'm very late to this thread!May I agree with one commenter on the first page: the idea of grace, graciousness and manners is far larger than one-on-one relationships. It's a way of being, a world view.It's the essence of anti-capitalism; doing something for its own sake, because it's beautiful and recognizes another human being's worth.A lover doing something sweet comes too close to "I'll scratch your back, you scratch mine." It's not exactly the same, but it's a bit too close to be a virtue.Graciousness is a revolutionary concept for us right now. We are being hypnotized into believing we are primarily consumers with a career agenda. We are so distant from true graciousness that the concept doesn't get fully heard, even in this thoughtful blog entry. Using a lover's beautiful gesture as an example is sweet, but it's just the beginning of the full human maturity that graciousness can be.I once fell in love with a man because of a supremely thoughtful gesture he made. Why did I have to flip over thoughtfulness? Because so few people show it? That's sad. The relationship didn't last. Contented partnerships require thoughtfulness and a lot more in order to work.Being polite some of us learn; being unselfish has a lot to do with personality; being gracious comes with wisdom.
February 6, 2010 at 3:48 pm
beautifully said, i have since reading your blog , started paying close attention to little things that my husband does or has been doing for years and has made me appreciate him even more.
February 6, 2010 at 8:26 pm
when walking together, a friend of mine will always move to the other side of me when he smokes a cigarette to ensure he doesn't burn me in the midst of telling a story with his hands.
February 6, 2010 at 9:26 pm
sadly the men who really would learn something from this post aren't the ones who are reading your blog….
February 6, 2010 at 11:32 pm
That is one of my most favourite 30 Rock scenes. In part because when it aired a friend texted me 6 simple words that summed up our career lives: 'I wish my boss was Jack'. I think everyone does.
There are two specific moments of 'grace' that may seem small but at the time were, (and still are), to me some of the kindest gestures i've received. One from the boy I loved: carrying my coat down three flights of stairs to make sure it was hung up nicely rather than strewn over a nearby chair.
The second from a complete stranger on the NY subway: I was so exhausted from a mental day at work, the train car was packed. I wasn't pregnant, I wasn't visibly ill – but my fatigue was all over my face i'm sure. And this random (young) man made eye contact, saw the despair in my eyes no doubt and offered me his chair. This was many years ago but i've never ever forgotten his face as at that moment his action made him the most beautiful person i'd seen.
February 7, 2010 at 6:23 am
Normally I wouldn't bother to comment after the 498th message, but here's something that happened to me last week, I'm still cherishing the moment all day long and it's just what this blog post was about: a man held the door for me, although I was still about 20 metres behind and one wouldn't normally hold the door for someone who's that many steps behind you, but he waited. Actually the door was around the corner so I couldn't see he was still standing there waiting for me, it was a complete surprise. I'm madly in love with him, but we're not together, we're in the getting to know each other phase. It was one of the sweetest gestures ever, at least it made "my heart flutter" :)
February 7, 2010 at 7:08 am
in my bleak marriage i thought it was a sign of hope that my hubby always filled the car up with petrol.then he told me he didnt think i would buy it on the day it's cheapest.major bummer
this is a beautiful post and it's lovely to see all the beautiful thoughtful acts people do. i hope my children learn this stuff
February 7, 2010 at 9:12 am
The fact that he's always been considerate but is even more so now that we've just had our first baby. I don't even have time to notice that dinner needs preparing, or that the fridge is empty, because he's taking care of everything like that so that I can focus on looking after the baby. I've never felt so loved.
February 7, 2010 at 10:13 am
Etiquette and manners is an extremely fluid, dynamic beast. Especially with modern-day mobility; you really need to be a chameleon to adapt instantaneously to different cultural frameworks.
February 7, 2010 at 11:32 am
i'd say listening to me…but not just hearing, listening with his ears, eyes and soul. making an effort to understand me. not many people know how to listen.
February 7, 2010 at 2:13 pm
Lovely post. As much as I love and appreciate the coffee and treats that have been served to me first thing in bed for the last 15 years, I think it's relatively easy for a partner to be considerate and thoughtful for the one they love. For me, it's the kindnesses and the attention to needs of others: children, pets, strangers, wait staff, elders…that make my heart swoon.
February 7, 2010 at 3:35 pm
He makes me dinner when I'm exhausted and would have otherwise just eaten a bowl of granola…it is also the way in which he approaches making dinner that I find so endearing. He says, "Can I make you (insert dish here) tonight?" I don't think he even realizes how sweet I find the gesture.
When we go to the market, he asks me to push the cart, then wraps his arms around mine and pushes the cart with me.
He lets me use his beloved baby, a Canon 40D :)
He compliments my artwork and encourages my creativity.
He asks me my opinion on his photographs, and asks me to read his bio before he submits entries to photography contests. I love that he allows me to see into his life in this capacity, because as an artist and writer myself, I have found that it requires an intimate trust to you allow someone to critique your work and writing.
Most of all, I appreciate that he has unwittingly shown me that all of these little things make a relationship more meaningful than expensive dinners and gifts – he didn't set out to do this, but just by being who he is, he has affected my perspective. I used to put so much emphasis on material things, holidays and anniversaries that I lost sight of what a meaningful relationship really was. The toilet paper, listerine and Jamba Juice that he has bought me are so much more appreciated than the jewelry, vacations, shoes, and dinners given to me in previous relationships.
February 7, 2010 at 10:19 pm
Your post captured so very perfectly one of the definitions of 'grace' in my beloved 1913 dictionary: "1. The exercise of love, kindness, mercy, favor; disposition to benefit or serve another; favor bestowed or privilege conferred. "I would be very interested in your book of modern manners.
February 7, 2010 at 10:20 pm
one of my favorite literary characters, Jane Eyre, had grace in abundance.
February 7, 2010 at 11:09 pm
The Husband still walks on the other side of the car and opens the passenger door for me, after 12 years. I love this gesture so much.
February 7, 2010 at 11:14 pm
This is wonderful. It's a great reminder of the little things we can often forget in our busy schedules, which are actually the important things.
To being gentlemen!
February 7, 2010 at 11:57 pm
My son just turned 15 (an age that everyone assured me would be hell to deal with) and commutes from Oakland to high school in San Francisco by Bart every day. In the afternoons he comes back to the East Bay with a couple of very cool girls and a friend from the city. They hang out and get snacks at local foodie haunts and a lovely ice cream shop. One day I called him on his cell and asked, "Hey, are you on College Avenue?" He said yes and when I asked if he was anywhere near Cole Coffee, surrounded by three hip friends he said to his mother, "Yeah. Can I get you anything?" He is ALWAYS thoughtful like this, utterly sincere and disarmingly true to his nature no matter who he is with. He brought me a pound of Columbian, number 4 grind. Thank you, honey.
February 8, 2010 at 1:45 am
I haven't been reading the blog for a while. nice to see this entry… I agree with the part that says women notice all the little things. When I met my fiance 6 years ago, he seemed like the most ungentle guy I had ever met… until we started dating officially 3 years ago…. he became the sweetest man ever- thinking about those little things makes me smile.
February 8, 2010 at 2:27 am
does anyone know which episode of 30 rock this is? i wanna watch it again!
February 8, 2010 at 2:46 am
That's really a good opinion and I totally agree. Whenever being with your lover, even your friends, to notice the detail things is always the best way to improve your relationship with other.
"Manner" or "grace" is not something that you can learn from a book. Unfortunately, it is something you just have to be or to develop.
It's time to be…
February 8, 2010 at 3:27 am
A small "thing". To me huge. The man I love is in very "busy" moment of his professional life, of his personal life. He is under construction. So … distance, duties, etc … not so much time "for us". On Friday evening he sent me a "Have a nice w/e" mail. At the bottom of it YOUR blog address (that I already knew…). No other comment. Just the address. Just because he knows how much I love fashion and my passion for photography. This reminded me why I was so much in love with him almost 20 years ago and why, after two entire and separeted lives, I just fell – again – for him few months ago. He is so gifted, so full of grace.
February 8, 2010 at 7:58 am
tu es un amour, mon Sart
February 8, 2010 at 3:15 pm
I'm currently studying in a different country from where my boyfriend is and with our busy schedules, it's hard to talk frequently. Every night before he goes to sleep he send me a short e-mail about how his day went and how much he loves me. Since there is a 9 hour time difference between us, I wake up to these messages every morning…it's the best thing to see first thing and it makes me appreciate how caring and sweet he is. I'm the type of girl that finds large gestures to be cheesy and not necessary so the fact that my boyfriend does little things like this mean so much more to me than a dozen roses or a box of chocolates ever could.
February 8, 2010 at 3:41 pm
My boyfriend of just 2 months prepared a relaxing bath with champagne for me, after hearing my parents of 33 years may divorce. Right when I wanted to run away from commitment, he simply showed me how he'll always be there for me.
February 8, 2010 at 3:47 pm
I make a lot of my own clothes and I love to get compliments when I wear them out. My husband knows I don't like to say "I made it" because it sounds like I'm showing off (but I do sort of want to tell them because I *am* proud). So, when someone compliments me, he always tells them, "she made that". He give me that like a reward for my hard work. It's so sweet.
February 8, 2010 at 6:52 pm
This is a beautiful subject, I loved reading your thoughts and the comments from everyone as we are reminded how lucky we are to have someone in our life that loves and cares for us.
My love does so many little things for me – he makes me breakfast when I'm late and running around the house in a panic, writes out meal plans for the week ahead and goes grocery shopping without complaint; when he had move out of my apartment and back home for school, he went out and bought bags & bags of groceries the day before he left, just to make sure that I would have food after he was gone.
He walks me to school even when it's awful outside, always carries my (incredibly overpacked) suitcase when he picks me up from the airport, lets me have the good pillows in bed, has dinner waiting when I come home late, always holds the door (for me or anyone else who happens to be behind him), has the biggest most gorgeous smile every time he sees me, tells me he loves me at least 10 times a day, sings to me on the phone, always kisses me goodnight and good-morning, doesn't say a word when I wear heels that make me tower over him, and most of all, genuinely respects and LIKES me as a human being…I am a lucky girl, and I just try each day to make him feel the same way…
February 8, 2010 at 10:31 pm
this is my first time reading your blog and I loved this post. I have thought and understood for a long time that it is the small gestures of kindness that show the greatest gift of love from the love in my life. It is not the big grand and sometimes obvious gestures but the simple things. Doing the dishes when I know he really would rather not. Making sure I am safe when we go for a walk,if there is a crack or a bump he will gently manuever me away from it. When I read about Jack moving the candle I could so relate,I knew exactly what that meant. I have a gentleman in my life that loves me so gently and beautifully. He has been my sweetheart for 43 years and I still get excited to see him everyday. That is what a gentle and unselfish love will produce.
February 9, 2010 at 1:54 am
My husband is a terrible cook but luckily I love it. He sets the table every evening, pours drinks and never begins eating before I sit down. He also remembers my favourite flowers and gifts me with them. I in turn bake his favourite cookies and never complain when he's had a rough day and just wants to lie on the lounge with his dinner and read the papers.
February 9, 2010 at 7:36 am
True grace? (second thoughts):Perhaps not being courteous, thoughtful and polite but having a certain attitude, being able to handle the unexpected? Plusa bit of self-distance and irony? So maybe it was the geologist's gentle comment (when his driver spread out a handkerchief for me to sit on) that also showed grace: "My driver is more refined than I am".
Or when Pierre Schori (Sweden's ambassador to the UN ca 2001-2004, among other various positions he's held) was greeting some important visitors in the Middle East, walked across the lobby towards them failing to notice that the centre of the lobby was actually a shallow pool. With water sloshing around his ankles he didn't miss a beat, continued as if nothing at all had happened. With parents who ran a hotel, I guess he's had a lot of experience in handling tricky situations.No, not something one can get from books, but it could be that some solid knowledge gained from books can provide a good background, against which one can improvise. Can't find it at present, but a book, a butler's handbook, written by a British butler probably 15 years ago or so, gives all sorts of information, both useful and less useful, from everything such as how to care for and pack your clothes to the correct procedure for ironing a newspaper (this is apparently essential, not only to get rid of the wrinkles, but especially to fix the printer's ink so that you won't get dirty hands when reading it).Amazing that what I've viewed as a rather superficial, tho absolutely fascinating blog has proven to have a deeper aspect: you've made a lot of us stop and think, and hopefully become better people. Thanks!
February 9, 2010 at 9:07 am
Great post! My fiance is one of the most generous people I know. It's true that the little acts of kindness speak volumes, and he does so many of these things, I know how he feels about me, loud and clear. Every morning while I'm showering, he makes our breakfast. He stocked up on snacks in his car so that I could have something to eat before our volleyball games (apparently I get grumpy if I don't eat…). At night, he doesn't complain when I steal all of the blankets.
Love him =)
Happy Valentine's Day everyone!
February 9, 2010 at 11:59 am
Thank you for such a lovely post, Scott. I have a story on the subject, not such a happy one.
I used to go rock climbing with my boyfriend M. and our climbing partner J. Too many times to count, M., in his enthusiasm to get to the next spot, would bound ahead of the group, over rocks and boulders, till he was out of sight. It was J. who would stay behind to make sure I didn't stumble and to steady me if I did. He was always mindful, gentle and unimposing in manner.
I fell in love with J. out there in the rocks, but foolishly married M. years later And I regret it still.
February 9, 2010 at 12:47 pm
he's usually off to work before i'm awake, and since the bathroom floor is cold in the morning he leaves his slippers for me on my side of the bed before he leaves.
February 9, 2010 at 1:36 pm
Sart, You're spot on when it comes to manners. As a 22 year old in Manhattan, I have seen the beautiful side as well as the ugly when it comes to the realm of gentlemanly and not so gentlemanly gestures. Money and ego are usually the two detractors from this trait all men should possess. My blog is about just that- lessons learned from my older brothers, from how to be a gentleman to staying true to yourself.http://olderbrothersadvice.wordpress.com/
February 9, 2010 at 2:45 pm
Thank you for your beautiful words. : )
February 9, 2010 at 6:49 pm
Thank you so much for your last paragraph… so important to me, thank you!
February 10, 2010 at 2:08 am
Even though he smokes, he doesnt like me to smoke. But everytime he would leave me, he would me enough to get me through the day..
He keeps everything that i've ever given to him including notes i've left him..
His background on his iphone is a smiley face i left on a post-it for him.
we've had a couple months secret relationship. He doesn't invite his friends that dont know about us when im there cuz he knows i'll feel awkward. ( i know, its not fair, but its a complicated story!)
before dating, he would call me on days that i needed to wake up early and was scared i'd sleep through.
he never would allow me to clean the dishes at his place (before dating, now…)
thought i'd share some too :)-hena
February 10, 2010 at 4:04 am
that's very, very sweet, scott.
my ex boyfriend used to always pick out a purple straw for me whenever we went to buy drinks at convenience stores because he knew it was my favourite colour.
February 10, 2010 at 6:23 am
- My husband proposes dates all the time. I love that after 10 years of marriage, he is still thinking of lovely little ways for us to spend time together.- He always holds my hand in a crowd.- He hugs me from behind when I am cooking a meal for us.- He always asks my opinion.
Your post touched on something else for me. Our first child is due in less than a week. My husband has been so gracious throughout this pregnancy, but especially in these last few months when physically, I just can't be the independent woman I have always been. It has been wonderful to let him take care of me in ways I never did before. There is grace in accepting others' graciousness.
February 10, 2010 at 9:43 am
i love it when a man waits outside for me at a restaurant, touches the small of my back, reminds me to bring a sweater, kisses me on the cheek
February 10, 2010 at 11:39 am
Aww I think it's an act of grace to use your blog for the greater good like this. Inspiring. And I LOVE the 30 Rock reference. Thank you!
February 10, 2010 at 2:00 pm
Your post is a warm spot in a cold world.
Love is more than a noun–a static feeling. Love is a VERB. It's what one does.
My husband doesn't get the noun stuff–I probably won't get a valentine. But he does get the verb stuff, from turning on the bathroom heater to saving the seduko to carrying my bag, even if it's a very "purse-y" looking bag.
February 10, 2010 at 6:06 pm
Australian men generally don't have any manners. I realised this the other day when I was at the bus stop sitting next to an (utterly drop-dead GORGEOUS) Italian?/Spanish?/South American? man, who got up and moved away to smoke his cigarette rather than risk offending me with his smoke. An Australian man would NEVER do that. I was wowed, and spend the whole (sadly short) bus ride gazing wistfully upon him.
February 10, 2010 at 6:37 pm
I would like to reply to your post on gentlemanly acts of kindness and thoughtfulness. I recently started dating a man I've known socially for the last 15 years. For my birthday, he surprised me with a really wonderful and thoughtful gift. Knowing I am a book monger of the best sort, he went through my very extensive library and took notes of the art and style books I possess. He focused in on one particular designer and located a very rare book on that particular designer and his work. I was totally floored with the presentation. It was not the material "gift" so much as it was the time he took to locate the perfect book and the act of observation.He really did something thoughtful and very surprising. Yes, one pays attention to others actions. Thank goodness, there are men and women in the world that try. Thanks for the original post.
February 10, 2010 at 9:48 pm
i'm a little late on this post, but i absolutely love it. i LOVE that you quoted this scene from 30 rock. and i think working on becoming a more graceful person is a great goal for anyone. thanks for sharing! it's great that you also share non-fashion inspiration as well.
February 10, 2010 at 11:30 pm
After forgetting we had plans for the second night in a row, my boyfriend did not get a particularly loving goodnight from me over the phone this Monday. Tuesday morning he was waiting for me at my subway station—he knows my route because whenever he spends the night, despite the fact that he wakes long before I do, he waits for me to get ready so we can walk those three short blocks together. And of course I was fiddling with my outfit morning so he’d been waiting for quite some time, in the cold. He just wanted to see me, he said, wish me a good morning. It was sweet, no question, even if he is rather proud of himself for it. But what he doesn’t know is that its sweetness is beaten tenfold every time he waits to walk with me in the morning. It’s not the big gestures, but the small, quiet moments of–as Scott so eloquently said–grace and manner that make us feel courted, treasured and loved. These are the things that make me tried harder to make him feel the same.
February 11, 2010 at 1:24 am
I'm not really a fashion insider, as I guess most of your commenters and visitors are, but I do visit your site once in a while. I have to say thanks for writing this, such a very meaningful expression, not just yours but for us too who have read it.
As you've said, it's in the little things. This guy friend, we are not close at all, but he lives close to my former place of work. One morning, there was mob-like chaos and commotion outside our office building. I was touched because he didn't know my number, but managed to send his message of "I hope you're alright" through another friend. That was almost 2 years ago but I have not removed that message from my phone. :) Or recently, how he followed me and helped me out carry stuff without me even signaling or asking him too… to think we're still not really close to this day. Gosh, if he only knew how much I love him :)
February 11, 2010 at 7:16 am
My boyfriend says: "You are the best thing that has happened to me today" (In Swedish: du är det bästa som hänt mig idag), almost every day when he gets home, or when I pick him up after work. He is so convincing that I believe him everytime. He makes me happy, all stress goes away. He reminds me that love is the most important thing and I love him.
February 11, 2010 at 7:17 am
Like your comment. This is just in time for idea to write a card for the loved one on the V-day. The little things that he did..without telling…worth thousand words. Thank you!
February 11, 2010 at 8:42 am
I am no longer with him but these little things he did made my heart flutter… now just by remembering. These are some memories of when a Singaporean met a Marseille-ian and they were truly in love. - the way he placed his hand around the back of my neck when we were out to show I was his- took leave from work so he could take care of me when I was ill- let's me have the soggy soft salty fries (because I like them) and helped to finish the hard crunchy ones- appeared at my office with a bouquet of flowers when he wants to make an apology- delivered a big bouquet of carefully picked flowers to the office every birthday- let me have my side of the bed even though that was his favourite side too- rubs lotion and moisturiser on my back every night- bought flowers and gifts for my mom when he visited her and dad- carried me to the hospital and stayed by the bed when I warded for a serious intestinal infection- left the lights on even though he can only sleep proper in the dark because I read when I could not sleep- when walking by the roadside, he made sure to switch sides as if to protect me from the passing cars
To The Sartorialist, thank you for a wonderful post and I would like to wish you and everyone else a Happy Valentine's Day. Always treasure the one you love xxx
February 12, 2010 at 8:43 am
For my brother it was actually a HUGE gesture. One night, when my boyfriend was breaking up with me, I was crying in bed at about 3 in the morning. Without saying a word, my brother crawled into bed with me and sat there. Said nothing and just sat there with me until I was off the phone and fell asleep. I will never forget that moment.
February 13, 2010 at 8:53 am
Lisa said:Love what you said, it needs saying more often… so I will quote you on my blog, Thanks!http://mamalishalifestyle.blogspot.com/
February 14, 2010 at 3:14 pm
He has been gone 15 years, and his kindnesses keep him in my heart like they came along yesterday. Making dinner every night, hosting parties, giving me gifts of the things i would mention in passing-from a new type of gum, to diamond bracelets. He knew me inside and out and the way he loved me made me think I was something special.
February 16, 2010 at 11:24 am
Sart,I read this entry and kept your suggestions in mind throughout the Valentine's weekend. My husband and I had a little getaway, which was made so much more meaningful because I was trying to be more thoughtful and kind, and to notice the things he does for me. Thanks you.As a midwestern stay-at-home mother of three, I sincerely thank you for making the elite world of fashion a little more accessible.
February 16, 2010 at 11:06 pm
This is a little off-topic, but does anyone know the episode? I'd like to see it. :)
February 16, 2010 at 11:39 pm
Once you have completed your research on manners, perhaps you could write a gentleman's manual?
I'm currently reading Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" I was surprised to find that it is a great manual on how to be gentle with anyone.
February 17, 2010 at 11:20 pm
My girlfriend gives up her sunday afternoons to go to the library with me and keep me company which I do my research for my dissertation. The first few times we've done so, I'd glance up at her occasionally with such happiness, because I've never dated someone who was so supportive of my work. AND she does you proud; she seems to think that one wears ties and sweater vests to do research. Oh my, does she look good!
February 18, 2010 at 4:47 pm
my bf presented me with my christmas present over a month and a half late.
I had mentioned looking for a heart pendant for a long time, just could never find the right one.
He gave me a box with the note: "do you remember when i said i would have loved you even if we met when we were little?" inside was a silver heart pendant. Two hearts, not conjoined, rather free that dance together as it bounced on my chest as i walk. He says it is to remind us that we are separate hearts, two wholes.
Inside one of the hearts is a photo of the two of us as kids, he superimposed them together.
if you gave me the choice between this and a $15,000 diamond heart pendant, i'd take the silver one in a heartbeat, everytime.
the best part? the many many many pieces of paper printed with little photos of us littered next to his printer..with a whole bunch of carefully cut out heart photos he was trying to get perfect.
I love you, Chris.love Danielle
March 4, 2010 at 1:59 am
a love note left on top of the garbage
March 12, 2010 at 5:02 pm
Two stories about my boyfriend Bill – just two out of dozens.1. We used to teach in the same school and Bill would make packed lunches for both of us. Usually it was sandwiches – the best in the world, with all sorts of exciting ingredients – but one day he produced a largish bag, out of which emerged boxes containing grilled aubergines & other veg, plus china plates, steel cutlery, and napkins. Conversations in the staffroom stopped. Someone asked, 'Have you got candles?' 2. I'm very often late (and always terribly sorry). Bill's punctual, so his infinite patience with me is all the more remarkable. One evening we agreed to meet in the local park by the duck pond. I was late again, so he sent me a text, but not 'Where are you' or 'You're late again.' The text read… 'The ducks are falling asleep.'
March 17, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Some people will tell you that good manners are which fork you eat with or what grammar you use or where you put your elbows — but in my book good manners are simply kindness and making other people feel comfortable. (Applies to boyfriends and girlfriends, too)
April 3, 2010 at 9:02 am
Thank you for thoughtfully adding that gays, bis and lesbians can be graceful too. I was almost feeling left out.
I don't have a girlfriend, but I can talk about the little things my parents do / did:
When I was little, i used to sometimes untuck myself from my blanket and sleep, freezing. too sleepy to cover myself. In the morning, I would wake up feeling warm and see there's a blanket put on me. i realise my parents have been doing that for ages. It must have been annoying for them to see me untuck myself in my sleep, but they tucked me back in every night anyway!
I do love them.
April 15, 2010 at 2:55 am
The blog was lovely, but I must say I enjoyed scrolling through the comments more! So lovely to get glimpses into the tender moments and hearts of so many people… We are all so similar. Very happy to know so much love is out there…My sweetheart does so many graceful things… and this has given me pause to consider them and to be reminded that I need to pay attention and thank him more! Some of my favourites include… how quickly he says "YES!" to spending time with me, my friends or my family… his little notes… and when he takes my hands and gently pulls me away from whatever tasks so that we can simply sit on the couch for a moment and catch up.
Michael Van Osch
April 27, 2010 at 9:05 am
Scott – great post here, great insight for men out there to remember (women too). as a man who helps men become their best selves it is much appreciated. at the end of the day, the bigger career doesn't matter much if you're not making a positive impact on the people in your lives…and somehow those closest to us get left out after a while.cheers man,Michael Van Osch
June 16, 2010 at 3:43 pm
Three things that I'll never forget:when he left silly and/or romantic haikus in places where I'd find them, gave me foot massages after a long day at work, and (my favourite memory)tied my shoes for me while I was on the phone and trying to get out the door. All unexpected and selfless acts of love.
January 21, 2011 at 6:21 pm
Great post, sorry I found it one year later. I started my own blog to deal with the elegance the I see, or dont see in our everyday lives. http://www.astoradams.com
March 28, 2011 at 9:42 pm
scott, i'm starting seriously like you now.what a post.ah.
November 19, 2011 at 4:11 am
Aloha there! I really respect what you’re doing here. Keep going that way.
May 31, 2014 at 3:17 pm
Je terminerai de lire tout cela demain
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April 13, 2015 at 12:34 pm
Wonderful post however , I was wondering if you could write a litte more on this topic? I’d be very grateful if you could elaborate a little bit more. Cheers